It was Spring Break when everything in the city shut down. The downside, we couldn't visit our usual Spring Break destinations: the Zoo, Perot Museum, Art Museum, the library, etc. The upside, there was no academic expectation, so who cared if all the kids did was play on the Switch? Eventually, word came down that there would be no returning to school. Okay, so what would that look like?
Stage 1-Forming:
Those first couple of weeks were awesome! I created well thought out schedules for both boys. I knew they would take care of business while I logged in every day for work. Activities included schoolwork, Tinker Crates, Minecraft, Spheros, reading, arts & crafts, and playing outside. I even allowed the boys to decide what order they completed everything as long as it was done. Look how well things were going to work! The kids even seemed onboard. At first, they happily took care of business which kept them busy from 9 AM-ish to 2 PM-ish. BEST. PARENT. EVER.Stage 2-Storming:
Ah. The inevitable stage where s^&* hits the fan. (Sorry for the strong language, but there is no better way to describe it.) It started with the discovery that my oldest had 20 missing assignments for school. That's right. TWENTY. What had he been doing for weeks?! Why was I the only parent keeping up with the school work in the first place? Then, I was kicked out of the office when the hubs returned to work from medical leave. No more door to close to keep from being disturbed while I worked. I was relegated to the kitchen one of the BUSIEST FREAKIN' ROOMS IN THE HOUSE. Yeah, that went well. Again, was I the only parent in the house? Why were the boys always bothering me? Oh right, because I don't have a door I could shut anymore. Not bitter...
Next came the regression of my youngest. He started sneaking back into our bed at night. He started having uncontrollable fits over small things. He couldn't always vocalize what was really bothering him. Over a year of play therapy down the drain. At least, that is how it felt.For my oldest, we pulled out some bedroom furniture we'd saved and divided the boys' room giving them their own space. This helped my oldest tremendously, but hold on because that will fall more in "norming." As for our little guy, we just didn't fight it. I was too tired to continuously walk him back to his bed. We just let him know that he could do it. He could stay in his own bed all night. He'd done it before.
Stage 3-Norming:
I figured my 11-year-old's defiance stemmed from a few things: having no birthday party this year, needing some space, missing his school environment and friends, and resenting the fact his younger brother had significantly less school work to complete. We solved this by giving him some space and making him feel special with "new" furniture which included his own desk. I also sent postcards to his friends asking them to return with a special birthday message. Additionally, we discussed what support he would need to make sure school work didn't get overwhelming. We started making daily lists. He would check his classes and space work out according to due dates. We worked to establish a morning routine that helped him stay focused while being easy enough for him to manage while I worked.
My 7-year-old struggled more with adjusting to the way life was happening. He is a man who likes a schedule. He likes expectations. He likes knowing people and things are where they are supposed to be. For him, we needed to talk about why things were going to continue to look different which meant a new schedule and new set of expectations. Once he knew what to expect out of each day, he handled frustration better and remained in his own bed at night.
We added Tae Kwon Do practice with a friend via Zoom twice a week as well. This helps on multiple levels. There is socialization with a friend, exercising, and we won't be a complete mess when the dojo opens back up.
What about all the fun activities I so cleverly built into a daily schedule early on? Yeah, when a pandemic forces everyone into survival mode, I learned it is okay to let some things go. The boys will still assemble their Tinker Crates or play board games if I ask them to break from screens for a bit, but this isn't a normal situation. Forcing them to perform like they are still in school or expecting them to always be supplementing their learning made us all miserable. I couldn't monitor progress while working which caused me more stress.
Stage 4-Performing:
Hitting this stage inspired this post the most. I noticed that my kids were getting up without prompting. My oldest took his shower, ate breakfast, and immediately began making a daily schedule. He even started telling me which Zoom sessions he had for the day. There are still moments when I remind him to make his bed or brush his teeth. However, he started exhibiting some pride in completing tasks. I'll take it. For my youngest, the result was the same. Daily, he made himself breakfast and got right to work.As for me, I'm still working to get to this stage as an individual. There are times, more often than not, where I find myself not doing anything to avoid the overwhelming weight of everything. Fortunately, I work with some pretty amazing people. One of whom shared this podcast episodes with me: Fight Acedia and Create a Rule of Life. This weekend is a bit of a "reset" for me. We'll see how it goes.
Adjourning:
I cannot imaging anyone will see this stage for a while. I will be content to cruise Performing until the new school year begins especially since that will mean we might see some Storming again and have to revisit Norming.
In the meantime, framing everything using these stages helped me approach what was going on. I know leading my family is not the same as leading a team, but looking at suggestions for dealing with these various stages enabled me to problem solve when really I just wanted to disappear with a pitcher of to-go margaritas.If anyone is interested in The Stages of Team Formation, you can click the link or the image below. They are two different pieces, but both offer quick overviews and suggestions.
