Awkward...

Conversation in class yesterday:

Me: Remember, only address an author by his last name. We don't know him personally and aren't friends with him.
Student: So we aren't friends since we call you by your last name?
Me: No, but I still love you as a teacher should love her students. Friendship means more than that and implies an equality between a couple of people.
Student: So we aren't equal?
Me: No we are not. For starters, I'm 17 years older than you and have two degrees. But just because we aren't friends doesn't mean I wouldn't do everything in my power to make you the best you can be. I will just do it as your teacher.

Then it occurred to me that I really hurt this kid's feelings. I wasn't trying to be cruel and even stated everything as matter-of-factly as possible. However, I was being honest. Things I do for my friends: give personal advice, buy stuff for, grab a meal or movie with, discuss private matters, loan money if necessary, etc. I am not going to do any of that for a student. As a teenager, I would never have seen a teacher as a friend. They were on another plane of existence reserved for people like parents or adult members of the community. There was a distinct line between the kind of relationship I had with my friends and then with adults.

Then another student asked, "How can you love us and not be our friend?" Why is that even a question? I love my sons, but I will not be their friend. My role in their lives is "mother" which means there will be times I make decisions a "friend" wouldn't make simply because I will do what is best for them and not what they want the most. My sons, as I'm sure my students do, will most likely share things with their friends they wouldn't even dream of sharing with me. And I'm okay with that.

As for the equality issue, well, isn't it obvious I'm not equal with my students? I'm not equal with my parents either simply by the fact my mom and dad have 25 years of experience and livin' more than I have. Am I upset about that? Of course not. Technically, with regards to age, I'm not even equal to my husband. Academically? He and I are probably a lot closer. Yet, he does have experience that I will defer to if it exceeds my own. And I'm okay with that.

When society decided the best way to build confidence and self-esteem was by convincing children they were equal with anyone in a superior position, we actually caused more damage than anything else. Think about the Millennials and that sense of entitlement. If they understood the degrees of inequality that actually exist and what it takes to close those gaps, they might not demand a lifestyle and job it took others years to achieve. They definitely would show more respect to elders (for lack of a better term), and I wouldn't have to hear an impertinent teen declare, "I only show respect when I get respect!" Really kid? Good luck with that. I also wouldn't have to stare dumbfoundedly at a student when he doesn't understand why it is rude/disrespectful to ask for a bite of my lunch.

None of this is to say that I haven't had former students, who are now adults, become friends. Actually, there are a handful that I will visit with when they are in town. Even my husband is friends with some of them, but those former students understood that line that existed while they were still in high school.

Very dangerous waters are charted when a teacher decides she needs to be friends with her students.

Still, I'll probably bring donuts to class in the morning. That kid was pretty upset...