Just You Wait 'enry 'iggins-Just You Wait

As many parents of young children understand, it is difficult to really enjoy television that doesn't come from a channel designated "jr" somewhere in the title. For the past few years "favorite" shows of mine included an array of cartoon pirates, princesses, guppies, monsters, puppets, and more. Our DVR held more recordings of Octonauts, Special Agent Oso, and Yo Gabba Gabba! than my episodes of Graham Norton, Doctor Who, Agents of SHIELD, and Once Upon a Time (the only four shows I watched regularly). The biggest issue was that I would forget to watch (or record) a show I was interested in therefore falling so far behind that getting into the show later was sort of pointless. While Netflix and Amazon Prime have helped a little, it isn't the same as when I had something specific to look forward to watching each night of the week. And for a while it was okay because there didn't seem to be anything on that I really wanted to watch.

This fall I already had the DVR set for my two staple BBC shows: Doctor Who and Graham Norton (I wish American "chat" shows worked like they do in Great Britain.) Agents of SHIELD also maintained its place because it just keeps getting better and better. After all, "it's all connected."

However, I had already decided that last season's Once Upon a Time was it for me. The initial premise of the show was really cool. To take classic fairy tales and spin them in a way that made Rumplestilskin Belle's "beast" and Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter a savior of sorts was fantastic! Even discovering that Red Riding Hood was the actual wolf made for exciting television. Then they totally sold out and it became "how many Disney characters can we cram into this show?" The moment they brought Elsa and Ana on screen I knew sharks had been jumped. (I love Frozen but for prime time also to cash in...not cool.)

It turns out that canceling that show was okay because two shows caught my eye: Selfie and Forever.

Selfie is My Fair Lady in television form. I mean, the main character's name is Eliza Dooley, and the guy she asks to help her rebuild her image is named Henry. Yet, I'm totally okay with all of that because it stars Karen Gillian and John Cho, two actors I like. The show will be a nice set of laughs during the week.


The real surprise though is the show Forever. To be completely honest, I was really only vaguely interested in the premise since the main motivating factor to watch was this:

(That would be the absolutely GORGEOUS Ioan Gruffudd. I have seen him in real life, and he IS just as beautiful.)

 But the reason I am going to keep watching is because the show is pretty darn good. It is formulaic in its stock of characters and murder mystery ways; however, the fact that Ioan's character (also a "Henry") is immortal is kind of neat. What really grabs my attention are the flashbacks he has of his life, and the big reveal of who the character "Abe" is at the end of the pilot almost made me cry. Because I have such an amazing bestie, I am caught up and ready to watch from here till the end of the season.


Many people might wonder why I am even limiting myself to how many shows I watch at all. DVR has a lot of space. Well, I still have to compete with Sofia the First and Doc McStuffins for TV time. In the end, I really don't have all the time in the world to catch up on various shows. When I record too many, I quit watching and delete them because it becomes overwhelming. Five shows this season is really pushing it anyway. If any more shows come along that I am dying to watch, they will just have to wait until they run on Netflix or Amazon Prime.

My real fear is that I will curse these new shows, and they will be canceled even before the end of the first season. See, every time I become a fan of a TV show, it ends long before it should. (RIP Pushing Daisies.) Or it starts to go downhill fast (see Once Upon a Time above). For now I will DVR what I can and keep my fingers crossed.

Dear William,

This morning I will drop you off at Kindergarten. Over five years ago you made your grand entrance into this world on your own terms: way too early. I should have known then that you were just always going to be ahead of the game. For months your daddy and I debated holding you back a year. You weren't having any of that. So what if you are one of the youngest in your class? So what if you aren't going to be the biggest kid in your class? You are ready for this.

I, however, am not. I know how this works. I've experienced 10 years of first days of school. Yet, nothing prepared me for your first day of school. A part of me dreads what will follow after this day.

See, what your sweet and innocent heart doesn't see coming is life. You've never been bullied (or worse-the bully). You've never been friendless. You've never NOT known the right answer. You've never really dealt with dismay. For over five years I have worked hard to make sure you are loved and a loving individual. I found the perfect daycare where you grew up with the same 10-14 kids. All the teachers knew you and cared for you. It was the best because I took comfort in knowing they too were perhaps a bit protective of your innocence and goodness. Because of this, I am afraid today will be a shock to your system.

You will walk into a classroom with only positive expectations regarding your education. Why wouldn't you? Daddy and I reinforce the joys of school as often as possible. What I cannot stop are the kids who don't come from similar backgrounds. I cannot stop the kid next to you from teasing you when your enthusiasm takes off. I know that will crush you because you are kind-hearted and will not understand what is so amusing about your desire to learn.

You will walk into a classroom knowing none of the other students. But you are an adventurous extrovert and will do your best to make new friends. What I cannot stop are the kids who don't know how to be friends. These kids are new to me too. I cannot even promise I'll like the ones you choose to befriend, and that is quite an unsettling feeling. My heart breaks at the thought that you will return home friendless because that will make returning to school difficult.

You will walk into a classroom as one of the most precocious boys from your daycare. Quickly, you will see you aren't the only one with the answer. I know how you get when someone else gets the glory of being first or right. What I cannot stop is the other smart children. You will have to learn to share knowledge and how to be part of a learning unit. You will have your moments to shine, and my heart will swell with pride every time you do.

But I suppose this is how life is meant to work. Keeping you protected from the "real world" would only cause problems later. I know this. It doesn't change the fact I wish you could learn about all of this without having to experience disappointment or heartache. Besides, life can be full of truly momentous experiences that bring joy and abounding love that are best appreciated after accepting the other.

So while I choke back tears of excitement and anxiety, you are going to march confidently into school ready to conquer the world. You have all you need to succeed. I will remind myself this all day, and when I pick you up from school you will tell me all about the best first day of school ever.

Love,
Mommy

Time for a Change (or The Inmates are Running the Asylum)

Today was my official last day of being a work-in-the-home mom for the summer. Once upon a time I thought teaching was the perfect profession to pair with motherhood. I mean, I get all my vacations at the right times to keep my kids. I didn't believe I would have to choose career or family because for roughly three months of the year I could just focus on family. Then for the rest of it, I could "earn my keep" (just ask my hubby about how I love to spend money).

Oh silly, silly me.

We had one kid and this system seemed to work out. I mean it was pretty boring being stuck at home with an infant because most things for kids require them to be at least 4 or 5 years old. However, I managed and realized, since he was such a great infant who could often sit quietly and entertain himself with a few toys, that my summer didn't really change much. I could still devote time to planning for the upcoming school year.

Then we had another kid. Now, before I continue I want it understood that I ADORE my children and wouldn't trade them for the world. However, two kids changes a LOT. For instance, my second son is incredibly demanding of my time. He is not content to sit quietly and entertain himself with a few toys. Actually, if left for even a few seconds, one could possibly find him removing the grate and crawling into the air vents (ours are by the floors). Or one might find him unzipping and emptying out all the stuffing in the couch cushions. One might even catch him as he manages to remove his diaper WITHOUT removing his pants. And just recently he has figured out how to remove all of his clothing.

This has made my summer quite an adventure. Luckily, my oldest is finally old enough to participate in the cool stuff going on in the city. He attended a drama camp at the Children's Theater (his favorite), a camp at the Arboretum, and a three day art camp to create a mosaic. We also had our week long family vacation in Pittsburgh, so a lot of the summer has been eaten away simply by these things. And yet, the times we've spent at home are starting to take their toll. Even with a splashpad down the road, storytime at the library on a weekly basis, and a swimming pool in our back yard; working in the home with two young children has completely worn me out.

For starters simply feeding them is an experience. They eat three meals and two snacks a day. Last year I tried to be a "good" mom and put together healthy but fun lunches and snacks to make sure their bodies got what was best. Yeah, that lasted maybe a month. I just couldn't watch them and make sure everything was prepared appropriately. Plus, some of the grown-ups in my household aren't necessarily pleased with what so many parenting magazines consider "healthy and fun" snacks. This summer I realized that a 5 year old is content with PB&J every day for lunch while his 2 year old brother will gladly eat pieces of ham and cheese and one slice of bread.

Next came the changes in naptime. I used to love naptime. That meant I had TWO WHOLE HOURS to myself. I would usually lay in the pool for 30-45 minutes and then come in and read or sleep until the kids woke up. It was heavenly. Well, my 5 year old starts Kindergarten in three weeks meaning no more naps since he'll go all day. We tried that. It sucked. Instead, we made him take a 20 minute nap and then get up. However, his younger brother still needs a nap just not a long one. If the 2 year old naps for more than an hour, he will not go to sleep before midnight. All of this to say that I had to time the naps which meant no more relaxing for me. Boo.

Finally, my kids are social beings (even though the 2 year old is turning out to be quite shy and a homebody). They are daycare kids. They need that kind of interaction and stimulation. As much as they may love me, I cannot provide everything that the daycare does. So we have arrived at the point in the summer where they start acting out out of boredom and slowly driving me crazy. The oldest is starting to talk back and argue even calling my husband an "idiot" the other day. Unacceptable. The youngest insists on being held ALL THE TIME. And when he doesn't get his way the fits are becoming more and more dramatically epic. I am starting to resent my husband for being able to leave for business lunches and meetings (he usually works from home) simply because he gets to leave the house and the kids.

It is to the point where I almost don't care that the youngest opened and emptied his sippy cup all over the couch and ottoman for the second day in a row. I sit at the dinner table and just stare at my oldest and attempt to listen to his endless jabber about everything. It pretty much zaps my energy which I'd like to start putting towards lesson plans and getting ready for the school year. Have I started ignoring the screaming and arguing when it is in another room? Maybe. It never lasts long and as long as they are making noise I know they aren't getting into any real trouble.

So am I complaining about my role at mom during the summer? Does this mean I'm unhappy? Nah. All it really means is that summer is coming to an end. We can all feel it. I'm ready to be back in my classroom even though there still won't be enough time to get everything done. My youngest is ready to return to daycare even though he will probably throw a fit on Monday when I drop him off. My oldest is ready for his newest adventure in Kindergarten even though he still has a few weeks to wait.

It is just time. Time for summer to transition into fall. Time for a new season, school year, and chapter in life. Time for...time for...

Time for me to go to bed (seriously, I'm exhausted).

Girl Power!

Today I ran across the article "Meet the Woman Who Made History With Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy" , read it, and thought, "My God! She's like a way cooler version of me I'd like to be! She's 33 and admires Ray Bradbury and SIR Kenneth Branagh, both of whom she's met. (I want to be her friend! Please let life work out where we can be friends!) However, the article did stand out for many other reasons.

Let's just start with the fact that a woman is behind the spark that became the awesome movie Guardians of the Galaxy. I love that she chose the "lesser [property]" that most people weren't sure was the best one for the direction of the cinematic part of the franchise. Woman's intuition! Ha! This says a lot about going with one's gut. Even though we like to rely on reason many times before taking a risk, there are moments when that nagging feeling in the pit of the stomach must be acted upon. I like that.

I also love, love, love the two year program Perlman was part of. It didn't seem like a usual intern program where Marvel just found a bunch of comic fanatics and tricked them into sorting through all the properties saving the higher-ups time. Instead, Marvel seems to take great care of those chosen for the program. I mean, Perlman's job at one point was to just read comic books! Then she was pretty much left alone to develop her idea. I cannot remember the last time I was left alone to develop ANY idea. There are always "rules" that have to be followed. I admire Marvel for allowing creativity to develop like that.

Then of course there is the class and humility with which Perlman accepted someone else would rework her original script. She understands how things work, and my frustration sits more with Gunn's "[downplaying] Perlman's involvement." I get it is probably all tied up into screen credits and money, but c'mon. Would it have killed Gunn to admit that Perlman's hunch about Quill and the gang is somewhat responsible for the film that scored 100% on Rotten Tomatoes?! Oh well. At least Marvel still treated her well letting her come on set and stuff.

So my favorite points: Marvel seems to know how to treat its people, Guardians is on the big screen because of a woman, and Perlman maintained her composure instead of going total fangirl when she got to work with SIR Kenneth Branagh (I totally would have giggled the whole time he was in front of me).

This is just an inspirational article. Not to mention it is a step towards changing many ideas about what a comic book fan and screenwriter looks like. Nicole Perlman-YOU GO GIRL!

Did I Miss the Dog Days?

You know the song. Wait, yep there it is

But seriously, I'm halfway (or a little over) through Summer Break 2014 and think things are going relatively well. I took a different approach this summer. See, last year I tried to be a well organized mom since I keep my boys with me for a couple of months. I even drew up calendars and planned meals. You know what I learned? I suck at that.

This summer I decided to take each day at a time. Of course it helped that we took our family vacation to Pittsburgh, PA for a week and my oldest can finally be sent off to day camps for weeks at a time. This meant I just had to entertain my (almost) two-year-old for a few hours each day. Something is working because this summer is flying by, and I don't feel like I've just let my kids sit in front of a TV all day. Sure lunch is pretty routine with PB&J sandwiches instead of fancy wheat tortilla cheese rolls (or whatever I tried last year), but the boys are happy and well fed.

I decided to better myself by becoming ESL certified this summer. I even signed up for an official online program through my undergrad Alma Mater: SFASU. Summer I cost me $1000, and when it looked like the rest of the program would cost an additional $2000 I decided to drop out. How's that for setting an example? I just don't think that makes sense for an ONLINE program where I am expected to pay for actual graduate student fees. Besides, my main goal was to learn something new that could be applied to my teaching. I already have worked through three texts and have a few more to read through before taking the exam in a week. I feel pretty confident that I will be able to use what I learned and can definitely pass the certification exam. Does this mean I want to start teaching ESL classes? Well, not really. I just needed a new direction. I've taught the same things for so long and receive so much staff development in the same stuff that I stagnated.

Another big step this summer has been preparing to send off my five-year-old to Kindergarten in 41 days. (He is so ready. I am not. Trust me. I've been compiling the blog post for that whopper for months. The trick will be getting it typed up without falling completely apart.) Today we got his little uniforms. I could have waited until Tax Free Weekend I suppose, but I really don't like dealing with those crowds. As much as I am against standardized dress, he is going to look adorable in his outfits. I also ordered a backpack for him and painted it with things that he likes. I checked multiple times to make sure he didn't have to have a clear or solid bag, so I'm excited about it!

There really isn't much else going on around here at the moment. I really just need to be writing again.

Off With Their Heads!

First, a scene that perfectly sums up my feelings about my presence being requested at civil court for jury duty:

 

(Actually, I'm shocked that the exact scene I wanted was the first one to pop up when normally I have to do some searching for what I am looking for.)

Very few things come through the mail that I dread with every molecule of my body, and a jury summons is one of them. It is easily identifiable so my loathing begins before even opening the envelope. A few weeks ago one of these pesky buggers heralded the need of my services for today. That's right, with two weeks left in the school year I had to miss a day for jury duty. 

Now, I am aware that I could ask for it to be postponed. Honestly, when is jury duty ever convenient? My healthy fear of karma convinced me that if I kicked and screamed and postponed the available options would really suck. So I put on my big girl pants and showed up at 8:32 A.M. (I would have been on time, but I forgot to factor in one of the directions traffic would go to enter the parking garage.)

The "orientation" video was already playing so I found a spot along the wall (I didn't want to crawl over anyone to get to a seat. See how courteous I am?) and simmered while a local TV personality explained how the jury system worked. C'mon now. I get we weren't all A+ students, but knowing the functions of the justice system is required for graduation right? Plaintiff, defendant, judge, bailiff, and jury are in the courtroom-check. Don't talk about the case with others-check. Don't post about the case on social media-check (not a problem since it was an AT&T building which rendered my Verizon service useless). Wait...did you just try to guilt me into appreciating my "right" and "privilege" to serve on a jury? Let me explain something: I TEACH IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL. Can we not count that as my civil service to this country? I mean, maybe if I was in my class instead of a courthouse I would be able to clarify the judicial branch of our government therefore cutting down the orientation video time if not making it unnecessary completely. Just a thought.

When the video ended, I finally asked a lady if I may sit in one of the empty seats next to her. Without moving her bag, she said yes which meant I got to sit next to the man she felt she needed to be two seats away from. I quickly understood why. I mean, maybe his gimmick was coming in unwashed and malodorous so they wouldn't want to keep him. Maybe it worked. It definitely made me lean away and pray for it all to end quickly. My husband asked why I didn't just get up and move. I didn't want to be rude! Sheesh.

I was in the very first group to be called to a courtroom. Yea-not really. Number 43 out of 45 chosen. This is the furthest I have gotten in a long time. I kept reminding myself that if I had to serve at least it would be in civil court and not criminal which would probably take up more time. Then the judge informed us this particular trial was looking at a two week time span. Um...no thank you.

Fortunately, I was not chosen. However, we were not dismissed until 4:45 P.M. A whole day sitting in one room listening to lawyers ask redundant questions to pick SIX of us. Yeah, only six out of 45. We did have one man lose it, walk out, and not return. I think the judge may have let that one slide because the gentleman was clearly a little off kilter. Then we had two women not return after lunch. From what I understand, they now have warrants out for their arrests. Oh yeah, I almost fell in a toilet. So at least today had some excitement to it. 

Even though I usually walk out of a courthouse as perturbed as I was going in (hence the title of my post), the judge said something interesting to us before dismissing us. I actually plan to send him a "thank you" because it kind of adjusted my view. He thanked us repeatedly for showing up since it is more than many are willing to do. He told us he understood the inconvenience of jury duty. He also reminded us that the rights and freedoms we enjoy come with some "burdens." For us, our burden is to periodically be asked to come in for jury duty while others volunteer to be sent overseas and shot at for defending these rights and freedoms. Basically, as Americans we should share the burden of responsibility for observing our rights and freedoms even though some may take on more of that burden than others. He encouraged us to make sure friends and family understood this and did their duty when receiving a summons (or even remembering to vote). And you know, he's right. Some day any one of us could be on the other side of that courtroom waiting anxiously for a jury of our peers to be chosen who will decide our legal fate.

It is an inconvenient burden, but one I'm a little more willing to share...even if I do teach in public school.

The Business of Graduation

For the first time in my nine years of teaching at North, I actually worked graduation. It is surprising that I haven't signed up before because I bleed blue (I attended the high school where I now teach-the school colors are blue and white). Perhaps part of it was that I hadn't really taught at North long enough to know a bunch of the students walking across the stage. Regardless of the reasons, the 4:30 A.M. alarm happened much sooner than I'd hoped.

Fortunately, my nerves and adrenaline took care of keeping me awake throughout the morning (okay, and one can of Pepsi). I was actually anxious about working graduation because I didn't want to mess up so monumentally that students missed a bus or were seated incorrectly or broke a rule without me noticing. Pretty silly I know, but this was a very big day for a lot of people.

It turns out that North runs graduation like a well oiled machine. I mean everything is labeled and/or numbered and scheduled to the minute. As long as I could do more than convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, I was fine.

6:00 A.M. to 7:00 A.M. was spent in the cafeteria of North wanding kids, making sure they were dressed appropriately, and loading chartered buses. Then we were on our way to the convention center for the ceremony.

We arrived shortly before 8:00 A.M. and had about an hour to wait for our 9 o'clock ceremony. While waiting, students had their official graduation pictures taken and could visit with each other until it was time. I ran around and snapped as many pictures as I could with former students in their gorgeous blue gowns. Of course, I had to also have a couple of shots in my fancy-schmancy academic robes. (Pictures are my life. I'm such a visual nerd.)

Then it was time...

Walking out of the tunnel and leading students to their rows was an incredible responsibility. Like walking them out toward their future. It really is an overwhelming experience. I was mostly overcome by the positivity and pride that vibrated from the crowd. It felt like an electric charge of happiness.

Once we were seated, I asked the girl next to me if she was able to tell her family where the best seats were (we had scoped some out the day before during practice). We both looked in the general area she had chosen and noticed a very handsome marine entering his seat. Tears began to well up in her eyes. "That's my brother!" she exclaimed. I asked, "Did you not expect him to be here?" "No," she said, "It's not that. I knew he was coming. It's just been so long since I've seen him." And that's when I cried.

See, that's when all the political crap that dictates public education stopped mattering. For better or worse, that's when the extra tutoring and late nights at events and report cards and referrals and detentions and dances and spirit days and late work and credit recovery and parent meetings and standardized testing stopped mattering. It all came down to this, and that girl had made it. She navigated a system that is criticized by the media and neglected because people would rather fund charter or private schools instead of building back up the public ones. She made it! And while some students might have just barely been eligible for graduation, many showed up and performed to the best of their abilities for four years truly earning that diploma. Very little else in my life beats the feeling I had at that moment when I realized this.

Then the salutatorian and valedictorian gave their speeches. Yes, I'm going to brag because both were my former students (and I got a shout out in one of the speeches). During the speeches, I was so proud of the girls. I can't even imagine how their families felt because I knew it would be so much more than what I was experiencing. I cried again.

Life needs more graduations! Wait, wait...let me rephrase because I don't need to attend a graduation ceremony every time my kids move up a grade level. Life needs more events that create this Happiness Energy. Sure, in the grand scheme of things our graduation ceremony will go unnoticed by almost everyone who didn't have a child walk across that stage today. But for the 500+ young adults and their families today was a reason to rejoice.

It is a good feeling.

The Fourth is Strong with this Post

Okay, okay. I think everyone gets that today is Star Wars Day. What better day to post about my thoughts on the new Star Wars happenings then on such a day? (Insert Yoda voice) Proceed I must hmmmm...

A couple of days ago a co-worker asked me if I was excited about the new Star Wars films. It took zero time for me to respond, "No!" Of course, I then had to explain how I could be a fan of the franchise and not be excited. See, every time Lucas does something with Star Wars he sort of makes it worse. It started when he decided to digitally enhance the original series, and THEN he thought it would be a good idea to make the prequels. I did too because I figured it would be cool to see where it all started since the originals start in the middle of the story. I was wrong. Harsh lessons were learned every time I left the theater in hopes that the next prequel movie would be better. Mainly: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. (You can start at 2:41 and stop at 4:26)




Yes, Simon Pegg, just like f*&^()$ Shaft. (Although, I was a child when I first saw Return of the Jedi so I sort of loved the Ewoks.) What is going to go wrong with these new films? More wacko characters? More terrible acting? I mean, does anyone buy the fact that Christensen's whiny-ass Anakin really becomes the bad-ass Vader. Anyone?

But enough about the past, this is about the future. Disney now owns Star Wars and therefore will insist on making money off of it. This past week the cast was announced. And you know what I now have to do? Look most of them up in IMDB or Wikipedia because I have no clue who they are. I suppose it makes sense since Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Harrison Ford weren't really known either. When looking at it that way, I am sort of okay with a young cast I do not recognize. Still, do I really want to see an aged Luke, Leia, and Han? And do Wookies even age? Droids definitely don't. Right? They were all so happy at the end of Jedi, and I'd like to preserve them like that in my memory. Not as mortals who grow old. That's part of suspending disbelief.

Next, I hear it will occur 30 years after the end of Jedi. Okay, so we are talking New Jedi Order? Will it follow any of the numerous book series? Or will it create a whole new storyline? I've tried to keep up with all the directions things went within the books and finally admitted defeat. What I do know is that Leia has twins and one turns to the dark side. Is that what will happen in the films? Then of course it seems the Emperor is reborn and does finally manage to get his hands on Luke. Can I even handle something like that? Definitely not. Why couldn't we just end the story happily where it stopped? All I really wanted to see happen next was Han and Leia's wedding. I bet that was AWESOME! But besides that? I'm good.

The real question is whether I'm going to lay down $11 a ticket to see these new films in the theaters. The truth is I really don't know. How weird is it going to be NOT seeing the 20th Century Fox logo before the space credits? Disney hasn't disappointed with the Avenger and Muppets, but this just feels different. I just cannot be disappointed again. The prequels were brutal.

Can we just go back to a time when Solo shot first?

C'mon Get Happy

I posted this photo awhile ago on my Facebook. It is simply my oldest child enjoying life. My youngest had an equally adorable moment on the swing while smiling up at the sun. Unfortunately, I couldn't move my phone quickly enough to also get a picture of that. The point is that both my children successfully reminded me the importance of just being happy.

See, I spent a vast majority of this school year rather miserable. There are a million reasons why I was so unhappy. Most of them revolving around STAAR and the absolute crap decisions being made with regards to how my students deserve to be educated because of the stupid state exam. Yes, I was frustrated with everyone who doesn't teach telling me what I needed to do to be a better educator. Yes, I was irritated every time some snake-oil salesman convinced people in positions of power to waste money on unnecessary songs and dances we now have to perform in the classroom. Yes, I was furious that no one seemed to ask students and parents what they were doing to perform better. Yes, I allowed "black holes" (people whose sole mission in life is to drain all brightness out of any situation) to affect how I feel. My life simply continued to spiral down and I felt, as Anne Shirley would say, "I'm in the depths of despair." And what did it get me in the end? NOT. A. DAMN. THING.

That's right. Nothing changed. I stomped. I cried. I screamed. I pleaded. I demanded. And the same amount of "nothing changed" occurred. The only thing that seemed to happen: I remained miserable. I hated my job. I hated my life. And you know what? It really isn't worth it.

Sure, the world is full of downers, and life can really suck at times. However, the only thing I can control in those situations is how emotional I choose to become. Incredibly stoic I know. (Actually, ever since I read Marcus Aurelius's Meditations* years ago, I try to be mindful of my attitude.) Therefore, I can either become another "black hole" or  realize that I can in fact change if no one and nothing around me will.

I'm also aware that there is real comedic genius behind a lot of the cynical views in current culture. Often, I have a laugh at a foible in society or the absurd actions of another. To me, that is fine. The problem occurs when that is the only place I choose to look for laughs. I mean, many a truth is told in jest, and only seeing the world through that lens does eventually bring me down.

So I've just decided to be happy. That's it. I will make decisions with the purpose of making sure the end result is that I am happy. I will also do what I can to help others be happy. There will come a time when none of my options may make me happy, but I can definitely choose the one that won't make me miserable. And even then, I can choose to take the miserable stuff in stride and cope rather than wallow. I'm also going to go back to the things that exist to make people smile: faith**, family, friends, Kid President, Values.com, HooplaHa.com, Action for Happiness, and definitely these guys:

Many people may be tired of this and all its variations, but I'm not because it's just...well...happy:

And if you prefer something old school:



*"Say to yourself in the morning: I shall meet people who are interfering, ungracious, insolent, full of guile, deceitful and antisocial; they have all become like that because they have no understanding of good and evil. But I who have contemplated the essential beauty of good and the essential ugliness of evil...cannot be be harmed by any one of them."

**"You are the light of the world....your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." Mt. 5:14, 16

Awkward...

Conversation in class yesterday:

Me: Remember, only address an author by his last name. We don't know him personally and aren't friends with him.
Student: So we aren't friends since we call you by your last name?
Me: No, but I still love you as a teacher should love her students. Friendship means more than that and implies an equality between a couple of people.
Student: So we aren't equal?
Me: No we are not. For starters, I'm 17 years older than you and have two degrees. But just because we aren't friends doesn't mean I wouldn't do everything in my power to make you the best you can be. I will just do it as your teacher.

Then it occurred to me that I really hurt this kid's feelings. I wasn't trying to be cruel and even stated everything as matter-of-factly as possible. However, I was being honest. Things I do for my friends: give personal advice, buy stuff for, grab a meal or movie with, discuss private matters, loan money if necessary, etc. I am not going to do any of that for a student. As a teenager, I would never have seen a teacher as a friend. They were on another plane of existence reserved for people like parents or adult members of the community. There was a distinct line between the kind of relationship I had with my friends and then with adults.

Then another student asked, "How can you love us and not be our friend?" Why is that even a question? I love my sons, but I will not be their friend. My role in their lives is "mother" which means there will be times I make decisions a "friend" wouldn't make simply because I will do what is best for them and not what they want the most. My sons, as I'm sure my students do, will most likely share things with their friends they wouldn't even dream of sharing with me. And I'm okay with that.

As for the equality issue, well, isn't it obvious I'm not equal with my students? I'm not equal with my parents either simply by the fact my mom and dad have 25 years of experience and livin' more than I have. Am I upset about that? Of course not. Technically, with regards to age, I'm not even equal to my husband. Academically? He and I are probably a lot closer. Yet, he does have experience that I will defer to if it exceeds my own. And I'm okay with that.

When society decided the best way to build confidence and self-esteem was by convincing children they were equal with anyone in a superior position, we actually caused more damage than anything else. Think about the Millennials and that sense of entitlement. If they understood the degrees of inequality that actually exist and what it takes to close those gaps, they might not demand a lifestyle and job it took others years to achieve. They definitely would show more respect to elders (for lack of a better term), and I wouldn't have to hear an impertinent teen declare, "I only show respect when I get respect!" Really kid? Good luck with that. I also wouldn't have to stare dumbfoundedly at a student when he doesn't understand why it is rude/disrespectful to ask for a bite of my lunch.

None of this is to say that I haven't had former students, who are now adults, become friends. Actually, there are a handful that I will visit with when they are in town. Even my husband is friends with some of them, but those former students understood that line that existed while they were still in high school.

Very dangerous waters are charted when a teacher decides she needs to be friends with her students.

Still, I'll probably bring donuts to class in the morning. That kid was pretty upset...

So, You Want to Teach...

With a state board of education so completely out of touch with what actually happens in many classrooms and a complete distrust of educators paired with a lack of faith in their competence, teaching has become a place where there is no room for error because everything is measured and judged on a severe scale. The panic instigated by the State's labels of "unsatisfactory" or "unacceptable" spreads from the top down, and a new teacher no longer has the opportunity to learn from mistakes made. All the pressures about standardize testing have created an expectation that a teacher be perfect the minute s/he walks into a classroom. Therefore, over the past school year I came to the conclusion that if anyone voiced an interest in teaching, my advice would probably come in the form of, "RUN! Run as far away from teaching as you can and NEVER look back!"

That kind of advice would never spring from the idea that I hate what I do or think that it is a dead end career. In fact, I LOVE what I do. Teaching is a huge part of how I define myself. Actually, my principal said it best when I mentioned getting out of teaching. He said, "For you? That would be blasphemy." I'm just struggling to make it to the end of a rather difficult year. All the measuring and data and practice exams and planning and comparisons and percentage points and subgroups has me at my wits' end. Ultimately, we have ended up teaching to a test in an attempt to help students pass and graduate. It is against every honest teaching bone in my body to teach to a test. I just sort of spiraled into this pit of depression and irritation when it came to education.

However, this past Saturday I attended our UIL Academic District competition because I am the Ready Writing Coach. For the first time, my team was actually set and prepared. (We even had the most adorable shirts made calling ourselves The Ink Ladies and using pink and black as our colors.) My event was first thing in the morning which meant I got to sit around and watch students all day as various events happened.

After the science competition, the six members of the team hung out at my table because two of my team members also happened to compete in science. Just observing these students was amazing! It turns out that they were genuinely interested in what they were doing. I watched and listened as they discussed concepts spanning chemistry, biology, and physics. They shared solutions to various problems and sincerely wanted to help each other understand ideas. It made my heart happy to be reminded what an excitement for learning looked like. No amount of time consuming (and often time wasting) checkpoints/benchmarks/whatever has hindered their love of learning. These students have been fired up by solid teachers (their Science Coach is pretty awesome). These students are engaging in their educations! These students are why I teach, and I cannot forget that.

Regardless of the crap I might have to trudge through in education, I am in it for the kids. My students make the day worth while when everything else seems to be spinning out of control. Because of this past Saturday, if a person showed interest in teaching my advice might be more like, "Why? For the kids? Because that is the only acceptable reason to become a teacher in the first place. Otherwise, it isn't for you."

Spring Break Report...Spring Break Report...

Spring Break report! (clap clap)

Okay, so that sounds so much better if you say it to this rhythm:



(I absolutely love this show.)

My goal was to blog on Wednesday about the various adventures of Spring Break 2014, but I was sort of distracted by a great book (more on that later). The beginning of the week was a little shaky since my youngest suffered from strep throat. I've never had strep throat. My oldest has never had strep throat. My husband is pretty sure he's never had strep throat. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what to do about it. It turns out, one can treat strep treatment like hair lice treatment. I had to sanitize EVERYTHING that my little one might have put in or near his mouth: toys, blankets, cups, utensils. I even had to throw out his toothbrush. Then I had to keep his brother away from him because it is apparently pretty contagious. Fortunately, after 24 hours of antibiotics my little guy could be around people again. However, I was a little anxious releasing him back to daycare because I didn't want to be responsible for getting any other kids sick just in case. The part that was the craziest is that he really didn't have any symptoms of strep throat. His nose was a little runny, but I assumed it was allergy related since he definitely inherited spring allergies from me. The only reason I took him to the doctor was to make sure he wasn't getting an ear infection due to fluid and whatnot from the allergies (something else that happened to me a lot as a kid). Then BAM: strep throat! So a lot of stuff I wanted to do around the house had to be put on hold. All moms know that if you are watching a sick kid, nothing else gets done.

We have been able to visit the Arboretum since the weather has been quite accommodating this week. Both boys loved running around in their capes. Everything thinks it is cute, but really I just wanted to make sure I could find my children quickly in the crowd. The new Children's Garden is amazing but packed on nice days.

He was just too busy saving the day to be sick!

Then my husband took some time off yesterday so he and I could see The Lego Movie. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was pretty convinced it wasn't really a movie for small kids. Actually, it was AWESOME (that's a joke-if you've seen the movie you'll get it). I enjoyed it very much, but my four-year-old, while getting a kick out of the action and explosions, would probably lose interest here and there. That's okay. We're probably taking him to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman on Saturday. What kid can't enjoy a talking dog? Of course, I'm going to see if it is anything like the original cartoon.

All week I have been slowly grading research papers. That has to be the most depressing part of teaching English. Grading essays is a special kind of torture. I get to see what my students still lack in terms of writing and expressing ideas, but I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH WHAT MY STUDENTS STILL LACK IN TERMS OF WRITING AND EXPRESSING IDEAS. It also is a lesson in patience since most of the students refuse to reference or follow explicit directions on how to conduct and produce research. I even made an example and said, "If the format of your essay does not match this example, you did something wrong and need to fix it." I am trying to remain positive though. I've already thought of various ways to make it a little better for next year. That's what a good teacher does right?

Since Spring Break is falling during Lent, and since I gave up television during the week for Lent, I am actually able to accomplish a great many things around the house and for fun. I managed to get under all the living room furniture and give the floor a good scrub down. I worked on some laundry (something I'll never catch up on). I am even about to patch up some pants for my oldest and sew a button back on a pair of my husband's slacks. The best part about giving up the TV is that I am actually reading again. I LOVE to read but am so exhausted after a day of work that I usually watch 30 minutes of television before crashing for the night. However, once I have the kids in bed it turns out that I can spend and hour or so reading without getting too tired. Therefore, I started this book:

Now my nearest and dearest know about my adoration for this man and the imaginative empire he created. However, nonfiction is not my favorite of the genres for reading. So I was hesitant in case this turned out to be a dry list of accomplishments in a very thick binding. I have been pleasantly surprised. It is written in a style that is close to narrative, so I can breeze through the pages. It is incredibly hard for me to set it down. I get that I'm a HUGE fan, but this man was a genius and not just because of The Muppets. The things he wanted to do artistically outside of his puppet creations (BTW-Muppets is NOT a mash-up of marionette and puppet-I already knew that but his book confirmed it) was so ahead of his time and fascinating. I have to stop gushing now or I'll abandon this blog and go back to reading.

So that's my Spring Break Report. I can now mark "blog" off of my List.

The Easter Bunny Is Comin' to Town

Today is Ash Wednesday. Being a devout Catholic, I made sure to wake my boys up early to go to the first Mass of the day and receive ashes. Since it matters to me that my children understand their faith, I reminded my oldest that getting the ashes is a great way to prepare for the Lenten season which is the 40 days (not counting Sundays) before Easter. Then I asked if he could tell me why we think Easter is so important. His response: "That's when the Easter Bunny brings us stuff!"

First, he's 4 years old, so I can see how a basket of cheap toys and chocolate might rate more memorable than Christ dying for our sins. Second, if you really think about it, trying to explain The Crucifixion to a small child can be tricky. The story can be very dark and sad and violent. However, I am certain I will be able to communicate the importance of Easter when all is said and done.

As for me, the first question that spews forth when people hear I'm Catholic and it is Lent: "What are you giving up?" Here's why I struggle with that question. It seems so trite. How can giving up soda or sweets compare to the sacrifices Christ made while in the desert? Then a few years ago someone mentioned that maybe I could promise to DO something extra to strengthen my faith instead. I really liked this. One year I wrote 40 letters to people who mattered to me. It was an awesome way to remember that God is Love. Then I found Lenten devotionals to study. Yet now I feel like a sacrifice might take on meaning again since it has been a while since I "gave something up" for Lent. So I've pondered and considered and here is what I decided:

Spiritually: I will do my best to follow Busted Halo's Fast-Pray-Give calendar. This will help me focus on the three aspects of the Lenten season that will best prepare me for celebrating The Resurrection. As usual, I will also use a Lenten devotional to focus each day on scripture.

Emotionally: Writing is my happiness and release. Too much time occurs between blog posts. Goal: two blogs a week focused solely on the positive aspects of life. Even if a post needs to address a less optimistic concern, I will balance it with an uplifting (or maybe comical) spin.

Sacrificially: Television sucks away a lot of time in this house mostly because it is the best babysitter for the boys while I'm getting ready in the morning or when dinner is being prepared in the evening. Giving up all television wouldn't really matter to me because 90% of what I "watch" involves channels with "junior" in their title. What I CAN do is make sure the TV is off in the evenings and limited on the weekends. My hope is that dinner time will become more meaningful. (Yes, my family leaves the TV on during dinner. A crap habit I know.) Who knows? I might actually get some reading done that has been staring at me from the dust covered books on my nightstand.

And there is my Lenten plan for 2014.

From Separatist to Rebel Alliance

When the State started rolling out the STAAR (State of Texas Assessment of Academic Readiness) exam, it was first known by teachers as the EOC (End of Course) exam. Based solely on the whisperings of what the test would entail and the level of rigor (man, I hate that word) involved in preparing students for it, many teachers jokingly began referring to it as the "End of Career" exam. Some of us were hoping the new exam would force out the teachers who probably needed to pursue other career opportunities. These of course being teachers who never wanted to get on board with working together or improving themselves or only took the job for the summer break, etc. Recently, the truth within "end of career" has become more apparent, and it is an ugly reality.

My core belief when it comes to teaching is that the classroom is meant to be a safe place for students to experience life through a particular content area. If all my students are able to do when they leave me is read and write, then I failed them as a teacher. Students should be able to connect to everything that they read. Students should be able to express themselves in numerous ways, including the written word, without being dismissed because of who they are and where they are from. Students should be able to hear opposing viewpoints respectfully without losing their own convictions and/or unjustly criticizing others. Students should be able to set goals for the future (regardless of it including immediate entrance into the workforce or further academic study) and have the appropriate support to reach them. It is my responsibility to make all of the above happen in the most engaging ways possible. At least, that was what teaching used to be about.

The STAAR results over the past couple of years have created the wide spread panic that many schools will be rated "unacceptable." While some districts are handling this in stride, many are investing in anything and everything they can to "fix" a problem in the name of "doing what is best for the students." Unfortunately, this means at the expense of quality/great teachers. All trust in what I do in my classroom has been erased and replaced with micromanaging on an alarming level. Since many teachers do not share the same core belief regarding education as I, those of us who know that teaching is encoded in our DNA are suffering because of the few who see it as just a job.

Many of us are faced with a curriculum full of "benchmarks/checkpoints/milestones." All terms really just meaning STAAR formatted mini-exams. One thing I swore would never happen in my class is teaching to a test. That is NOT an education, and no true teacher could do that with a clear conscience. When a true teacher is trusted to give students the type of education they deserve without the fear of reprimand and/or ridicule, then standardized tests take care of themselves. (A true teacher also realizes that his/her worth will NEVER be reflected by test scores and it is cruel to do so.) However, it seems the only way to project how students MIGHT preform on the actual exam is with the mini versions. I can understand that if we only did it a couple of times a year, and if the teachers were not brow beaten and humiliated based on the results of these "practice" tests. It seems that is not the case. Every time we have done one of these this year, I have had to listen to how inefficient and deficient my peers and I are at our jobs. It hurts and is exhausting because basically, all the love and care I have for my students and the dedication I have pledged to their success has been reduced to a percentage point.

When I express my feelings, I am repeatedly told "they don't mean you." Well, you know what? Whoever "they" do mean doesn't care. Whoever is supposed to feel shame and lose sleep and be upset that s/he isn't giving all s/he can is not. I am. I am because I care so much about what I do and those kids. Then, I am told "just close your door and do whatever you need to." Well, the problem with that is deep down I am a rule follower, and if the rules say to do something a certain way I try to do it. 

In the end I realized, "End of Career" exam didn't mean teachers who couldn't hack it because of a lack of desire/passion/enthusiasm for the job. No. It referred to the many idealistic educators who entered the classroom in hopes of impacting the world one student at a time. Teachers who believe that what a student learns in a classroom cannot be measured nor does it derive solely from a textbook. Teachers who refuse to allow one test to dictate every aspect of what and how s/he teaches. Teachers like me.

And this is where the Star Wars reference comes in. See originally we are meant to believe that the Separatists are no good because they want to operate outside the bounds of the Senate. This is like teachers who do whatever they want even if the district and curriculum are strong and others want to work together to teach similar things. For a long time, I was easily frustrated by these teachers because they weren't "team players." But now, the Senate has become the Galactic Empire, and I watch as the Separatists morph to a Rebel Alliance of teachers who will keep the integrity of education at the heart of all they do. I am finally ready and willing to don my orange jumpsuit and blow The Death Star to bits. How this will manifest with regards to my teaching career? Only time will tell.