Preventing Paranoia

The way a lot of people treat turning 30, you would think our entire lives are on the decline. According to my calculations (and I know that's dangerous since I teach English-BUT I consulted the CDC with this one),  in 2007 the life expectancy for an average American was 77.9 years with decreases in death rates over the next couple of years. So somehow we're all living longer (I blame ForeverWare) which means at 30 I'm not even half way done with my life. And seeing as I know myself to be an above average American:), I'll probably live even longer than 80. Therefore, there is no need to start panicking about the multitude of feebility that will plague me when I'm senile some day.

Yet a relative of mine decided a subscription to Prevention magazine would be a thoughtful gift? Really? How about Entertainment Weekly or People? Since I'm an educator, National Geographic or something literary would have even been more appropriate. Okay, stop scolding me for being ungrateful especially since the reason so many people are living longer might just be because they are reading their Prevention magazines. Hear me out on this one: Prevention magazine does NOT cater to my age group nor does receiving a "gift" subscription do anything to dispel the absurd myth that 30 is old. How do I know this? Because Marie Osmond is on the cover of the current issue being fabulous in her 50s, and I cannot even recall who was on the last one but I know that she too was quickly approaching 50 (so I looked it up and it was Teri Hatcher-no I don't watch Desperate Housewives because I feel that target audience is one and the same to that of Prevention). Why on Earth would I be interested in this magazine? The fear of osteoporosis? I drink milk and watch Forrest Gump's mom talk to me about keeping my bones strong with Boneva (yes, I do know her name is actually Sally Field-she was in Laverne and Shirley...oh wait...that was Cindy Williams-oops I guess I AM rounding the bend).

Even setting aside the fact that all the advice in this thing seems to target women so confidently right past middle age (which I also do not fear approaching because I know so many gorgeous and intelligent women at this age), Prevention has not made me feel any better about preventing anything! It's more like a harbinger on all the ways my body could go horribly wrong. One of the cover stories proclaimed something to the effect that having surgery in July could kill me! Oh great! I'm a teacher and if I need any type of operation I always have it done in the summer...wait for it...IN JULY! How am I still living?! Another cover story had in quotations, "My doctor told me I was fat!" and then proceeded to instruct me on how to get a more caring physician. First of all, I didn't read the article so I don't really know the context BECAUSE I see my doctor maybe twice a year and don't need a more caring relationship. I just need whatever meds I have to see him about before he'll prescribe them. Secondly, maybe I am fat. Maybe he's doing me a kindness for health reasons? Should he actually call me fat? Well probably not if he intends to stay in business, but he might mention I could lose a little weight here or there, and that is probably not a surprise to me which would be the real reason I'm upset.* Moving on. Basically perusing Prevention only shows me all the ways I'm already sick or could be sick or on my way to Death's door. I don't need a magazine for that. I have WebMD when I think something's wrong and I'm in the mood for a bit of hypochondria. Is 30 older than 20? Of course. But it's a helluva lot younger that 100, so for now I'll prevent myself (ha-get it-prevent) from freaking out about the 1001 ways I could die and allow that subscription to simply find its way to the recycle bin after glancing through it for courtesy's sake.

That Family Circle gift subscription, however, has some pretty darn good recipes.

*It should be noted that since I first posted this, I did go back and glance through the article. However, the amusing part was that on the cover right about this story was how to lose 7 pounds in 7 days (or something just as ludicrous). I think Prevention is sending mixed messages. The doctor can't call you fat, but this magazine can assume you are trying to lose weight?