My Anger Has a Sound

As much as I love to cling to the Gen X side of my generational cusp-iness, truth be told I am a child of the 90s. That is when I was a teenager. That is when I have the clearest memories of growing up. That is when I fell in love with alternative rock.

The discontent communicated through lyrics accompanied by the energizing noise of guitars and melodic screaming gave a soundtrack to the things I felt and thought but never shared. It was amazing how such music seemed to capture all the things that made me mad that I couldn't put words especially when being angry was not an emotion I was allowed to have.* In 2000 a new band arrived with a sound that amped up everything to another level for me:

I couldn't get enough. I played that alarmingly red-ish CD all the time. Then Meteora came out and solidified their place as one of my favorite bands forever. (Seriously - beginning to end I never get tired of it. "Numb" is one of my favorite songs to this day.) 

At this time, I also fell in love with a band out of Houston called Blue October which helped me connect to a lot of feelings I still struggled with. This led down a path to other alternative groups throughout the early aughts into my late 20s. Then something interesting happened: I got married and had kids. Now, that didn't mean the alt music faded away completely. The hidden track on Blue October's History for Sale was the song I danced to at my wedding with my husband. However, I wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be (hello - Enneagram One here), and that meant knowing myself better. Once I started to understand myself and why I had been so angry, I didn't need the catharsis of alt music like I had before.**

Years passed and I mostly listened to Kids Place Live (excellent station on Sirius XM - absolutely recommend if you subscribe and have small children) and talk radio (how is that for being a grown up). However, bands like Bastille entered my life while listening to Alt Nation when my kids weren't in the car or talk radio got monotonous. It seemed that I still felt that tug towards a genre that often is now more alt pop than rock but able to hit me in just the right way sending me back to the days where I blasted angsty and angry music while making the drive to and from SFASU. 

Why the sudden trip down a musical memory lane? Recently, a radio station I enjoyed was canceled leaving me with the opportunity to see what else life had to offer on the ole dial. It turns out that locally 103.7 KVIL is the current alt rock station which cracks me up because I grew up on KVIL when Ron Chapman and Jody Dean were on air playing greats like Sir Elton John and Billy Joel. It was dubbed "lite rock." What a change indeed. Anyway, I put on 103.7 on my drive into work the other day and was met with artists like Linkin Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, The Offspring, and other bands that had defined my late 90s/early aughts life. I was in the best mood when I got to work. 

Yes, I started listening to many of these bands because I didn't know how to be angry out loud. I realized after that drive into work that they are excellent reminders of how far I've come in understanding my anger and how to communicate that so I don't need the music to do it for me. I will continue to listen to this station because that music matters so much to me, and well, because it flippin' rocks.

*Mostly this with all of society.

** Also this which is from 2018 but still relevant which is even more infuriating.

Too Old to Be Young, Too Young to Be Old

NOTE: This post will discuss biological processes and hormonal changes of my 43-year-old female body. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip this one and come back for my next post about my love for alt rock.

I knew one thing for certain about menopause: I would eventually hit it when I was "old." Beyond that, my references for symptoms and signs of menopause came from two things: the "End of the Curse" episode of the Golden Girls where Blanche enters menopause and struggles with what that means for her womanhood and a tearful scene from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.

What I learned from the Golden Girls episode:

• Menopause happens when you are older (60+)
• Menopause means no more cycle!
• Menopause means hot flashes and a beard

Not from that episode but it's a GIF of Sophia who shared the bit about a beard.

The scene from Fried Green Tomatoes:

Where I learned that hormones are the magical answer and they inspire a vengeful rampage on anyone who wrongs you.

Okay, so there were clear gaps in my knowledge on menopause. How was I supposed to know?! We (society) don't talk about this kind of stuff enough. Actually, my experience has been that discussing anything to do with my reproductive organs and cycles should be done in hushed voices or accompanied by some kind of embarrassment or shame. Think about having to purchase pads or tampons. How do we make people comfortable with that? Spoiler: we don't. And why not? I bet even using the words "pads" and "tampons" instead of "feminine hygiene products" makes some people uncomfortable. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a part of life.

Unfortunately, approaching life in this manner meant I was caught by surprise with perimenopause. I had never heard of perimenopause...until I started feeling like I was losing my mind. I knew something was "wrong" with me but what? I would wake up soaking wet having to change my pajamas. My cycles started becoming unpredictable, and I started breaking out with acne like I was 12! I would cry over trivial matters and be annoyed with silly things like other people breathing near me. I would be working comfortably when suddenly I was so hot I knew I was about to spontaneously combust. I would be exhausted beyond the usual mom stuff. However, I couldn't sleep through the night to save my life. I couldn't remember things correctly. I started gaining weight that "eating right and exercising regularly" wasn't taking care of. I didn't feel like myself. 

I knew some of these things sounded like symptoms of menopause, but I am 43! I'm not an older (60+) woman. Thank God I have a great OBGYN who patiently listened to me as I panicked thinking something about me was broken. She explained what perimenopause meant, that I was a textbook case, and the ways we could handle the symptoms until menopause happens. Things I learned:

• Perimenopause can start as early as age 35
• Perimenopause is how my body is preparing itself for menopause
• Symptoms include many of the things I was (am) experiencing: irregular periods, sleep issues, mood swings, unstoppable weight gain, cholesterol changes, and more
• There are both hormone and non-hormone treatments for symptoms (and new research shows that hormone therapy isn't as dangerous as we once thought)
• Perimenopause will last until menopause which is actually the stopping of my cycle (which can take up to 10 years or so - boo)

I cannot tell you the relief I felt of finding out I was not, in fact, crazy but simply entering a completely normal stage in my life. Now I know how to put what is happening to me in perspective. I have avenues of relief for the symptoms.

Why share all of this? I want us talking about this. I want our sisters and daughters and nieces and whomever to learn about this. I want them comfortable with what is happening to their bodies and not feel like they are wrong or broken because no one told them things like this would happen. I would love for health care companies to invest in making the transition through perimenopause to menopause such a priority that it is okay to speak about these things openly. For once it would be great to hear/see a commercial about low estrogen and what that could mean rather than concern over a shortage of testosterone and the magic blue pill to fix it all. 

 And if people won't listen to reason, there's always...

And the Award Goes To...

Let me start with the fact all my organs are intact and still inside my body. However, you are welcome to make guesses at what was wrong with me as you read.

I need to back up to yesterday morning because it was Oscars Sunday, and for the first time in roughly 20 years I actually planned to watch the whole thing. I've watched bits and pieces over the years, but I pictured myself camped out on the couch under blankets snacking on popcorn and enjoying the show. I was excited for all the nominations and couldn't wait to see Ryan Gosling perform "I'm Just Ken."

Around 1:30 PM I hit the floor of my closet with an unrelenting pain right at the top of my rib cage running down to my stomach. Now, I suffer from stressed induced reflux, so I am very familiar with a flare up or when I have uncomfortably trapped gas. I even have experienced my fair share of stomach bugs with the cramping and aching. All of these I have methods for dealing with.  

I managed to get the pain to subside long enough to walk around a bit and even ran by Sam's for some items we needed. However, the moment I got home I had another attack and writhed around in my bed begging for it to go away. I still thought it was one of the usual suspects being particularly cruel since I had been able to run an errand. I even tried to vomit out a possible stomach virus to no avail. Nothing was working. Then it calmed a bit again.

At this point I was very hungry and very exhausted. It was hurting to breathe, and I couldn't really drink much water. With the Oscars minutes from air, I determinedly curled up on the couch and prayed the pain wouldn't come back. I made it to RDJs award acceptance when I hit the ground again in excruciating pain. Enough was enough. Chris took me to the ER.

Hunched over, I shuffled my way through Check In. The moment I sat down in triage, I started to cry and rock back and forth from the pain. The ER doctor came in and was fantastic. He ordered blood tests and wanted to get a look at my appendix, pancreas, and colon. An IV drip with some morphine and zofran did the trick, and while waiting for results I remembered the episode of the Golden Girls where Sophia has an attack of the gall bladder. She remarks that she has a "bubble" in exactly the same place I first felt my pain. Then she is in so much pain she believes she is dying. I was convinced my gall bladder would be a goner! (Hey, I was medicated okay?)

The verdict: Fatty Liver. It's a thing. What caused it is the big question. I am not a heavy drinker. While I may be overweight, I wouldn't say I'm obese. I am definitely not pregnant. In terms of lifestyle, we eat ground turkey instead of ground beef (rarely eat beef actually). We use chick pea pasta. We get whole wheat breads. I drink nonfat, lactose free milk. I use the Skinny Chai mix. I love me some Body Pump and started bicycling with my youngest boy. Basically, I had no idea what would cause a Fatty Liver issue. My best guess is that it is related to my hypertension, hormones, and reflux.    

All my other organs were fine, blood tests were good, and the EKG showed no heart attack. The "cure:" bland food for a few days and some medication for the stomach cramping. I was discharged, walked without pain to the car, and was home in bed by 11:00 PM. 

Not how I planned to start my Spring Break but incredibly grateful for an efficient ER experience, modern medicine, loving husband, and YouTube so I could go back and watch this:

It's Just Like Riding a Bike

I rode a bike today. First time in about 30ish years. For a brief moment while rolling the bike out of the back room and down to the alley, this scene flashed through my mind:

As much as I would love to have Jamie Tartt by my side as I got comfortable on a bike again, I sought support from a different place.

My sweet, funny, wonderful 11 year old rocked it as my moral support. He shared tips to keep my balance and reminded me when to lean in to turn. Additionally, he explained the best times to adjust my speed or use my handbrakes. That's right. The last time I rode a bike I applied the brakes by pedaling backwards. No handbrakes.

It wasn't terrible. I enjoyed the feel of the wind on my face. I sped up and coasted. I stood up on my feet to pedal a couple of times (felt pretty cool). I made a ridiculously wide turn the first time. I even earned my first ever exercise award for an outdoor cycle!

The biggest success was working through the initial anxiety of getting back on a bike after so long. Rather than worry that I would look foolish in front of my youngest son, I decided to ask for his help. It worked out so well. He rode along side me and was the best bike buddy. 

I only biked for 20 minutes at the end of my street. It was more than enough. My legs could feel it. I was sweating which isn't my favorite thing to do. (80 degree weather - what are you gonna do?) My 11 year old was ready for me to go up and down the absurd incline that is our street. While it felt great to be back on a bike, I think I will have to work up to that. Eventually, we'll hit some of the trails around our neighborhood; and perhaps someday I'll tackle White Rock Lake.

In the meantime, I am happy knowing I didn't forget how to ride a bike. Now to get some sparkly tassels...

I Resolve to No Longer Make Resolutions

January is such an fresh start for so many. If resolutions work for you, that is awesome! Keep on keepin' on. For me, resolutions can feel like "one more thing," and I beat myself up if I don't hold to them all year. If you are like me, I would like to offer you some alternatives that seem to work better for my brain and lifestyle.

A few years ago, a friend introduced me to the concept of the One Word Theme for the year. I liked this. I found a word to return to throughout the year much easier to manage and keep up with. Past words include:

This year I met with a group of friends to discuss how we all were approaching the new year. That is how I learned about Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Trifecta. Every year she sets a One Word Theme, creates a list of things to accomplish (24 for 24 - last year was 23 for 23), and a daily challenge that plays with the numbers in the year. I highly recommend listening to these because each one feels more attainable that big, broad resolutions that can fizzle out by March:

• One Word Theme Episode
• 2024 Daily Challenge Episode
• 24 for 24 List Episode

I definitely am continuing my One Word Theme selection, and this year I created a 24 for 24 List that I carry with me. (Fave tip about 24 for 24 - set a regular date to check in on the list like the 24th of each month.) Perhaps next year I'll complete the trifecta. 

This year's One Word is:

It took me a while to get here. Thanks to my friends offering suggestions like: pace, step, embrace, transition when I described where I wanted to focus; I was able to make it to RHYTHM. There is a rhythm to everything in life, and I need to embrace those rhythms rather than try to fight and/or control them. Additionally, if I sense a rhythm is leaning more chaotic than I like, I can take a break and breathe until I regulate the rhythm of my body/heart back to a manageable beat. Finally, there is the idea that I will get into the rhythm of habits that help me be better throughout the year that I can carry into the rest of my life. The image of the mixtape will be my reminder of my word. I love a good mixtape because it represents thematic collections of rhythms that I can enjoy.

Then the universe patted me on the back reaffirming my word choice in two ways. The first happened while listening to an episode of The Lazy Genius Podcast with Kendra Adachi. (LOVE her - Be genius about the stuff that matters and lazy about the things that don't.) She interviewed James Clear, author of Atomic Habits (a book I very much enjoyed), and listen to how she prefers to refer to habits. Okay, if you didn't want to listen, she explains how she prefers to use the term "rhythm" instead of "habit." HA! 

The second time I knew that "rhythm" was the right choice happened during a meeting when I was introduced to an online platform called...wait for it...Rhythm. It doesn't really matter what the platform does. It was more about seeing my selected word like a spot on a map letting me know I am on the right path. 

Good luck to everyone out there setting resolutions, goals, etc. I find One Word Themes a more realistic way for me to focus on how I approach the new year. I'll let you know how my 24 for 24 List works out. 

If This Turkey Tastes Half as Good as It Looks...

 

With the Christmas season coming to an end,  I scrolled through holiday photos on my phone reflecting on the holidays. I came across one from Christmas day and decided to share. Enjoy my Tale of Two Turkeys.

If you don't recognize this GIF, go watch Christmas Vacation and thank me later.

I mean, this is my nightmare when it comes to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving. Since inheriting the job of roasting a turkey for the family, I've taken all precautions to avoid this very scenario. And roughly seven years in, I managed to perfect my recipe which culminated in quite a delicious bird for Thanksgiving this year:

It fell off the bone beautifully when I went to carve it.

This year I also roasted one for Christmas. Feeling rather confident in my abilities to produce a perfect turkey, I decided to take a wee nap while it roasted in the oven. (Can you blame me? I was up till almost 2 AM Christmas Eve to Christmas morning.) Two hours into what I assumed would be a three hour bake, my youngest son woke me up to tell me something was burning in the oven. I believe "plastic bacon-y smell" was used.

Y'all, the horror...

It was vacuum packed and not in a good way.

I could feel my BP rise. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I knew the plastic smell would be in my nose the rest of the day. How could this happen? It was fine when I basted right before I napped! I pulled it out immediately, cursed the oven (because clearly it was broken), and declared Christmas ruined.

Fortunately, my mother freaks out a little less and has a lot more life experience. Ha ha. She noted that the roasting bag probably puffed up just enough to hit the elements on the top of my oven. (Note: I do cut slits in the roasting bag to keep this from happening.) Once the plastic melted, it exposed the turkey which cooked much faster than anticipated. My son waking me up actually saved the bird!

In the end, the turkey was perfectly fine. The plastic didn't melt into the turkey. It kinda made more of shell on the turkey. Once removed, I was able to carve it up and serve it. Thank goodness. 

So until next year...

 

2023 in Review: Dr. and Mr. Croupe

This post will cover the last of my top three moments from 2023 (again, in no particular order). If you are interested in the other two, click here to read about my trip to Gold Bar, Washington or click here to meet the two newest Croupe family members. Just like my other two posts, I'll provide a little background on how I got to this point.

Some people would make excellent professional students. They enjoy research and study and want to attend classes with others interested in the same things. My husband is one of those people. I am not. I always did fine in school. I didn't hate it or anything. I understood that to be a teacher I had to go to college, so I did all the right things and got my BA in English in 2003. However, and my undergraduate GPA can attest to this, I wasn't the best at being a student. My study skills kinda stunk. I was not great at making to every class. I had this paralyzing fear of speaking with my professors about anything. Therefore, I would need extrinsic motivators to sign up for any more schooling in the future. Turns out, the district I taught in required a Masters which motivated an MLA in 2010. Excellent. Done. Right?

Enter a brisk, Saturday morning in the fall of 2018 during a paraprofessional learning conference, I stood in the hallway between sessions chatting with my Director (Instructional Technology) when she casually drops the question: "Why don't you have your Doctorate?" The easy answer was I don't do student-ing very well, so I avoid the potential of failure like the plague. The more complicated answer (that I realize now) is that the Imposter Syndrome that taunts me daily, had me believing I was not the type of person who deserved a Dr. at the front of her name. That was for distinguished people. That was for highly intelligent people. That was for people who could contribute innovative ideas to the world.

Me in August of 2023:

Exactly 20 years after I graduated with my BA, I now have my EdD in Educational Leadership. The journey was awesome. I still wasn't the best student, but I found something I loved to focus on for my study. Even now, when I read through my study I am quite proud of what I accomplished. (A great way to shut up that Imposter Syndrome - BTW.) What it really took was someone, my Director, who saw me as the type of person who deserved that Dr. in front of her name. She believed that about me, and then I did too. (Actually, it turned out a LOT of people believed that about me. It is amazing how we can be harder on ourselves.)

I'm still not used to addressing myself as Dr. Croupe, and I've had people point out how jerky it can be to correct people who still call me Mrs. Croupe. However, neither of those will keep me from saying this: I look forward to the day the mail starts coming in addressed to Dr. and Mr. Croupe.

PS: If you've earned a Doctorate, be proud of that. I'll gladly call you Dr. I'll also correct others on your behalf if they don't. 

2023 in Review: Fur Babies

Time to continue my top three moments for my 2023. These are in no particular order. You can read about my trip to Gold Bar, Washington by clicking here.

For some context on this next post, I'm going to back up to Thanksgiving 2022. We said good-bye to our sweet dog, Stevie, who had lung cancer and was no longer able to sleep or eat. With Stevie gone, we were without a dog for the first time since 2007. I wasn't sure how long we'd be without a dog as part of the family, and then one day Benji said, "You know what I miss? Having a dog excited to see me when I get home."

Benji expressed wanting a Pug he could name Donut, and Will shared his desire for a Corgi he could name Edward. Around the end of January I started following various rescues and checked city shelters almost daily. Going to a breeder is not an option for us. Every dog I've ever owned (as a child or now) was a rescue or adoption of some sort, and even with such specific requests I planned to keep it this way.

You know how sometimes you get a feeling and you just know something is meant to be? Around February, I saw a post on DFW Pug Rescue of a lil guy named Odis:

It only took one look. It was undeniably clear to me at that moment that we had to adopt this dog. Within a week, he was ours and renamed Donut:

I continued to watch the rescues over the new few months for Corgis. This seemed a more difficult task as many of the available Corgis needed to be the only dog in the family. Then around October I saw a post for Miss Mayhem (Sugar) on Forget Me Not Rescue - Texas's page. The name "Miss Mayhem" intrigued me, so I reached out and 48 hours later...

She was initially a little mischievous, but nothing the Croupes couldn't handle. Additionally, she is two-years-old like Donut! Their dynamic was my main concern. However, I had nothing to worry about. There are times they both get the zoomies and it is pretty nuts watching them run around the living room and kitchen, but in the end they are both super sweet dogs. Oh, and instead of renaming her Edward (which I told Will I was fine with since we'd had a Freddie and Stevie who were both female dogs), the boys chose to call her Biscuit in keeping with a British feel while matching Donut. By Thanksgiving 2023, we were a complete family. 

By Christmas 2023, we are still a complete family full of all the puppy love we could hope for.

PS: Both are dogs also have Instagram accounts: my.pug.donut and my.corgi.biscuit

2023 in Review: A Breath of Fresh Mountain Air

As 2023 winds down over the next couple of weeks, I will share the top three moments (in no particular order) for me from the year.

For this first post, there are a few things to remember (or know) about me:

• I am a believer. I definitely believe there are moments God calls us to something and we cannot fight it.
• I am what my husband describes as "indoorsy." Nothing clean happens outside. I do not camp. I do not hike. When I choose a vacation location, I want a big city like New York, LA, or London.
• I am an Enneagram One which basically means I am riddled with anxiety to get things "right" or "perfect."

Earlier this year, I told Chris we needed to take a short vacation somewhere in the mountains. Somewhere in the mountains near a stream or river. Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Yes, the call was that specific. God put this on my heart, and I had to make it happen. God was so explicit with His request, I used a text to image generator to show Chris where I needed to go:

We decided on Gold Bar, Washington. We would fly into Seattle (a new place for me) and check it out for a bit then drive on to a cute, mini cabin on the Skykomish. (Don't worry - the mini cabin had electricity and hot water. Let's not get crazy.)

For three days I soaked in the beautiful weather. I looked at the stars at night. I drank my morning tea on a deck overlooking a river running by mountains. I even made my way down to the river and sat on the rocks to watch the sun rise one day and set on another. I breathed the fresh air and listened to the birds. We even saw an eagle fly by!

Additionally, I went on TWO hikes. God called me to this place, but it was my Guardian Angel working overtime on my stupidity. Chris and I decided to see Bridal Veil Falls. Remember how I am "indoorsy?" Well, we didn't have any kind of hiking equipment. We had no idea what this would actually entail. WE HIKED UP A MOUNTAIN IN FLIP FLOPS. No water. In jeans. Was it worth it? Of course! However, we understand how incredibly lucky we were to make it down in one piece.

That doesn't me we learned our lesson. The next day we went up to Heybrook Lookout. Still in flip flops mostly because someone said they had done it in slippers. It was supposedly easier and much shorter than the Bridal Veil Falls hike. Y'all...if I never hike another day in my life, it will be too soon.

So why did God call me here? Why on Earth would He ask ME to go someplace so outside my preferences and comfort zone? 

Because I needed to stop. I needed to breathe. I needed perspective. I needed to let go of so many anxieties. I needed to know that I CAN step away from the day-to-day and things won't fall apart.

The trip didn't "cure" me of anything. I still wake up with 1 million things on my mind. It did remind me to take a moment though. I use the Calm app for soundscapes or meditations. I sometimes drive in silence to appreciate the quiet. I have a little more confidence when I want to take a risk.

In the end, I had to let go of control and trust. Two things I don't do very well. God knows this. That's why He knew I needed a reminder.

So there it is. One of my top three moments of the year.

Taking Action During Lent

I have to admit I hoped 2021 would be kinder than 2020. This week's winter storms and power outages proved that one cannot just turn a page in a calendar and hope all the chaos of the previous year just disappears. 

Spending the week in survival mode (which I am not very good at), resulted in a delay of the usual posting of my favorite Lent video. This year I want to take more action in sharing my faith, so to catch up from the first three days of Lent I decided to post.

First, I always enjoy sharing this Busted Halo Video which explains the why behind Lent.

As a child, I thought Lent was solely about giving something up. Growing older and studying my faith in more depth showed me how we focus on three pillars: fasting, praying, and almsgiving. This added a new dimension to how I viewed my Lenten promise. Yes, I can give up chocolate or soda/caffeine, but what am I doing to improve my prayer life? To whom am I giving my money, time, and talents during this season? 

I realized it is not only about the sacrifice. As a matter of fact, Busted Halo also wrote a fantastic piece about using social media to document your Lenten journey rather than just logging off for 40 days and being done with it. Not that there is anything wrong with a sacrifice like that, but for some (like me) social media is a large part of how I connect for my job. I think that is why I liked the idea of sharing through social media rather than disappearing until Easter. 

To recap where I am at the moment:

• I did give up my afternoon Coke (especially from McDonald's) during Lent while working towards drinking more water.
• I will use my social media channels to blog, post, share when a daily scripture reading or something else that connects to my faith happens.
• I am setting aside time every morning for reflection and prayer which means I will have to get up earlier than usual.

For the most part, all of these center around working on me. I am still figuring out how I can lift up and support others during Lent. I am deciding how and where almsgiving will become a part of my plan. The cool thing is that this is a journey over the next 40 days! 

For anyone interested in the ways I am making these things happen, click on any of the resource links below.

Give us this Day App - it contains the Mass readings for every day. You can order the book each month or pay for the app.

Gus Lloyd on Facebook and/or 60 Second Reflection - if you have satellite radio, he does the daily scripture reading around 7:50 AM on channel 129. He also does the reading on his FB page for those without satellite. What I like about his 60 second reflections are that they are super quick while allowing me to think about my faith.

Every Sacred Sunday - I have used these books the past three years. They contain prayers and Sunday Mass readings along with a place for reflection and notes. I absolutely love these books. 

Blessed is She's Set a Fire Lent 2021 Devotional - I love supporting women sharing their Catholic faith. This devotional was created by women for women. (The Every Sacred Sunday book was created by women too.) Now, they only have the digital download version left. I downloaded it to my iPad and opened it in iBooks. This allows me to read it like a book while using the Mark Up tools to take notes and reflect.

Shining Light Dolls on Instagram - I just really like this account. They post adorable renditions of the saints. They do have merchandise as well.

For anyone else starting on a Lenten journey, I will keep you in my prayers as we do some "spring cleaning" of our souls through fasting, praying, and almsgiving.

So Typically Lydia: An Enneagram Series Part 2

Continuing my series on the Enneagram, I begin deep diving into being a One. Before every chapter of each type in The Road Back to You there is a list of "What It's Like to Be a..." that provides insight into the mind of the particular type. I highlighted 12 of the 20 items because I identified strongly with them. 

I'll spotlight three that hit me the hardest. There are also a few that are probably true, but I've worked hard to manage them since they would inhibit me from growing as a person.

1. I don't like it when people ignore or break the rules, like when the person in the fast lane at the grocery store has more items than allowed.

How this might look to others: goody-goody, self-righteous, judgmental

Happening in my brain: It doesn't even have to be an actual rule. If a person goes against an established expectation without facing a just consequence, I am not happy. If best practices exist for a situation and people refuse to follow them, I am not happy. We all agree on rules and expectations and best practices. That is how things keep working and chaos doesn't envelope our lives. People can get hurt when rules are broken. There are consequences when best practices aren't followed. Breaking rules can start a domino effect that impacts future events negatively. If someone else makes a mess by not following what is established, I feel like I always end up fixing their mistake. Follow the freakin' rules people! 

All of this to say, I don't believe all rules are just nor should they be followed without question. An outdated, narrow-minded, unjust rule/practice/expectation should be changed or removed. No one should follow it. In this instance, it frustrates me to no end that people will blindly follow something clearly damaging to society. Our collective goal should be making the world better for everyone meaning evaluating rules and ditching the bad ones. Speaking of making the world a better place...

2. I think it is my responsibility to leave the world better than I found it. 

How this might look to others: dedicating every waking moment to a cause sometimes at the expense of personal health and relationships, becoming quickly frustrated and angry at injustices especially related to my passion, excitement at finding others fighting for the same thing

Happening in my brain: Whoa. I stopped and took a breath after reading that on the list. For anyone unaware, I admire Jim Henson and what he accomplished in an obsessive way. The quote in the signature for my personal email comes directly from him, "When I was young, my ambitions was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope is to leave the world a little better for having been there." I live by this quote. What I mean is that everything I do is because I want something about this world being better because of me. I don't even need people to know it was me. It doesn't even need to be on a massive scale. I can simply be the drop that instigates a much larger ripple. I sincerely believe that the way I do this is by being in public education. Everything that drives me in my work is knowing, even if I am not around to see it happen, public education can and will be better some day. Through this, I am impacting generations of learners some of whom will change the world in grander ways. As I look back on my career, there are so many ways I've learned I could be better going forward...

3. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could be a better person.

How this might look to others: reading A LOT about any and everything even trivial things to increase knowledge, being harshly critical of myself in all situations, second guessing everything decision I made in a situation or over thinking things I said to improve in the future

Happening in my brain: I will never be good enough. Never. There will always be a better version of me I am trying to achieve. I mean, this type is known as the Perfectionist. There is always something to learn and better ways to take care of things. In terms of my faith, I want to be a truer example of what Christ calls me to be. In terms of my family, I want to be the better wife, mother, daughter. In terms of my job, I want to be the model educator. Here's where it gets really messed up-I don't actually know what others want me to be because I cannot be inside their heads. They might actually be perfectly fine with how I am at this moment. All the pressure I put on myself to be better for each of them centers around the idea that I know I can be improved, and why would I give them anything less than the absolute best version of me? It doesn't matter how often they tell me I'm enough or that they love me the way I am. Yeah, it's exhausting. No, it never goes away. 

On the list are a few things I know are not part of my hard wiring. These include:

I try to be careful and thoughtful about how I spend money. I could barely type that without laughing. Tell this to my numerous pairs of shoes, books, cosmetics, designer bags, etc. I definitely believe that I can't take it with me so spend it now!

It seems to me that things are either right or wrong. This is especially weird since following rules are kind of a big deal to me. However, there is a lot of gray in this world. I do not believe that everything can be put in a right or wrong category. There will always be a circumstance that needs to be looked at on an individual basis for it to be fair. After all, only a Sith deals in absolutes.

I like routine and don't readily embrace change. This is certainly not true, but I can see how a One who appreciates rules and order also desires routine. However, I like change. Change is required for me to grow and become a better person.

Does any of this sound like possible Ones you know? Stay tuned. There is more to come.

So Typically Lydia: An Enneagram Series Part 1

My obsession about the Enneagram grew slowly over the past year. As one who loves personality quizzes and learning about myself, the Enneagram originally seemed like another one to just add to the list. A list that consists of:

• 16 Personalities: The Protagonist
• Myers-Briggs: ENFJ or INFJ depending on my mood and the way the questions are asked

• Strengths Finder 2007: Communication, Woo, Connectedness, Adaptability, Strategic
• Strengths Finder 2019: Input, Connectedness, Strategic, Belief, Individualization

As you can see, I changed quite a bit between 2007 and 2019. Not to mention that if you simply searched Star Wars Myers-Briggs you would get a bunch of different interpretations of which characters are what combinations. Knowing that I will change over time as a person, personality tests are mostly for fun and to see how close they get to understanding who I am. Until recently, I never really looked at them as a way to learn about myself since they identified what I already knew. 

Enter the Enneagram. If you've never heard of it, I will not judge you if you leave this post to go down the rabbit hole of information about it. If I may, I would like to offer some starting points. The person you need to look into is Ian Cron. He wrote the book that changed my life, but I need to slow down and start from the beginning.

The Enneagram is not like a conventional personality test. In addition to providing insight into who I am, it lays bare the motivations of WHY I am. Let me tell you, facing the many facets of Lydia Croupe proved tougher than I thought it'd be. 

The basic idea is that everyone falls into one of nine types. No one falls 100% into one type, so there are wings for the numbers to either side. For example, I am a Type 1. My wing possibility is either a 9 or a 2. (I happen to be a Type 1 Wing 2). Additionally, I can take on the traits of other types under situations of stress or when I'm in a healthy place. 

I know this is a gross simplification of how awesome and moving understanding your Enneagram type can be. Start here with this online test to see where you fall in the types. Please understand, you should not hold the results as gospel which I will explain in a moment; and you should know that you will need to provide an email for results which may mean removing yourself from a list later.   

The thing about the Enneagram that is different from other personality tests is you don't rely on the test to decide your type. Sometimes, two types may be very similar to each other, but the motivations differ. This is why the online assessment is a starting point. It will at least provide you with types to look at first. Once you begin reading up on the various types, you may find the online test assessed correctly. That is fine too.

The next step after taking the online test is studying up on your Enneagram type. There are plenty of resources out there. I will be using The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile for this series and highly recommend it. Now, it does come from a place of exploring your spirituality since Cron is an Episcopal priest, but there is so much more that I still highly recommend the book even if this is not your faith of choice. Once you read up on your possible types, you'll know exactly which type you are. Trust me. It becomes pretty obvious once Cron and Stabile start opening up the heart of each type. 

This blog series is partly to spread the word about Enneagram and partly to share more of myself with others. If any of you have known me for a long enough time, there might be very little I share that you don't already know. Ha ha ha. If nothing else, I hope that showing how better understanding myself helps me understand others inspires you to do the same.

I will leave you with one of the quotes about Ones that resonated with me, "...the One's commitment to living an exemplary life can quickly degenerate into a rigid perfectionism that can be tortuous both for Ones and for others."

The Stages of Team Formation-Pandemic Family Edition

You've heard of the Stages of Team Formation right? Of course you have. Even if you cannot name them all, everyone always knows about "storming" and "norming." Those are the easiest to identify which is why I think they are the first to pop into my head. As a matter of fact, those two stages are what inspired this post. Let's talk about the Stages of Team Formation during the COVID 19 lockdown at-home learning/sheltering in place.

It was Spring Break when everything in the city shut down. The downside, we couldn't visit our usual Spring Break destinations: the Zoo, Perot Museum, Art Museum, the library, etc. The upside, there was no academic expectation, so who cared if all the kids did was play on the Switch? Eventually, word came down that there would be no returning to school. Okay, so what would that look like?

Stage 1-Forming:

Those first couple of weeks were awesome! I created well thought out schedules for both boys. I knew they would take care of business while I logged in every day for work. Activities included schoolwork, Tinker Crates, Minecraft, Spheros, reading, arts & crafts, and playing outside. I even allowed the boys to decide what order they completed everything as long as it was done. Look how well things were going to work! The kids even seemed onboard. At first, they happily took care of business which kept them busy from 9 AM-ish to 2 PM-ish. BEST. PARENT. EVER.

Stage 2-Storming:

Ah. The inevitable stage where s^&* hits the fan. (Sorry for the strong language, but there is no better way to describe it.) It started with the discovery that my oldest had 20 missing assignments for school. That's right. TWENTY. What had he been doing for weeks?! Why was I the only parent keeping up with the school work in the first place? Then, I was kicked out of the office when the hubs returned to work from medical leave. No more door to close to keep from being disturbed while I worked. I was relegated to the kitchen one of the BUSIEST FREAKIN' ROOMS IN THE HOUSE. Yeah, that went well. Again, was I the only parent in the house? Why were the boys always bothering me? Oh right, because I don't have a door I could shut anymore. Not bitter...

Next came the regression of my youngest. He started sneaking back into our bed at night. He started having uncontrollable fits over small things. He couldn't always vocalize what was really bothering him. Over a year of play therapy down the drain. At least, that is how it felt.

For my oldest, we pulled out some bedroom furniture we'd saved and divided the boys' room giving them their own space. This helped my oldest tremendously, but hold on because that will fall more in "norming." As for our little guy, we just didn't fight it. I was too tired to continuously walk him back to his bed. We just let him know that he could do it. He could stay in his own bed all night. He'd done it before.

Stage 3-Norming:

I figured my 11-year-old's defiance stemmed from a few things: having no birthday party this year, needing some space, missing his school environment and friends, and resenting the fact his younger brother had significantly less school work to complete. We solved this by giving him some space and making him feel special with "new" furniture which included his own desk. I also sent postcards to his friends asking them to return with a special birthday message. Additionally, we discussed what support he would need to make sure school work didn't get overwhelming. We started making daily lists. He would check his classes and space work out according to due dates. We worked to establish a morning routine that helped him stay focused while being easy enough for him to manage while I worked.

My 7-year-old struggled more with adjusting to the way life was happening. He is a man who likes a schedule. He likes expectations. He likes knowing people and things are where they are supposed to be. For him, we needed to talk about why things were going to continue to look different which meant a new schedule and new set of expectations. Once he knew what to expect out of each day, he handled frustration better and remained in his own bed at night.

We added Tae Kwon Do practice with a friend via Zoom twice a week as well. This helps on multiple levels. There is socialization with a friend, exercising, and we won't be a complete mess when the dojo opens back up.

What about all the fun activities I so cleverly built into a daily schedule early on? Yeah, when a pandemic forces everyone into survival mode, I learned it is okay to let some things go. The boys will still assemble their Tinker Crates or play board games if I ask them to break from screens for a bit, but this isn't a normal situation. Forcing them to perform like they are still in school or expecting them to always be supplementing their learning made us all miserable. I couldn't monitor progress while working which caused me more stress.

Stage 4-Performing:

Hitting this stage inspired this post the most. I noticed that my kids were getting up without prompting. My oldest took his shower, ate breakfast, and immediately began making a daily schedule. He even started telling me which Zoom sessions he had for the day. There are still moments when I remind him to make his bed or brush his teeth. However, he started exhibiting some pride in completing tasks. I'll take it. For my youngest, the result was the same. Daily, he made himself breakfast and got right to work. 

As for me, I'm still working to get to this stage as an individual. There are times, more often than not, where I find myself not doing anything to avoid the overwhelming weight of everything. Fortunately, I work with some pretty amazing people. One of whom shared this podcast episodes with me: Fight Acedia and Create a Rule of Life. This weekend is a bit of a "reset" for me. We'll see how it goes.

Adjourning:

I cannot imaging anyone will see this stage for a while. I will be content to cruise Performing until the new school year begins especially since that will mean we might see some Storming again and have to revisit Norming.

In the meantime, framing everything using these stages helped me approach what was going on. I know leading my family is not the same as leading a team, but looking at suggestions for dealing with these various stages enabled me to problem solve when really I just wanted to disappear with a pitcher of to-go margaritas.

If anyone is interested in The Stages of Team Formation, you can click the link or the image below. They are two different pieces, but both offer quick overviews and suggestions.

2020 On the 11th Week of the New Year...

...the theme I gave my post:

Keeping the Blood Pumper Pumping

This post is a little more serious than the previous ten. I will post those links at the bottom.

February is the time of year where we all start posting about kids raising money via social media for Heart Health. When I was a kid, we called it "Jump Rope for Heart" and donations were collected via check. My how times have changed.

Every year when I sign my kids up online, we are always asked if we are raising funds to honor a Heart Hero. I often skip this portion since my grandparents, who both suffered heart attacks, have passed. However after this week, the Croupes have a new Heart Hero-my husband Christopher.

Last week, shortly after 12 AM on Tuesday, my husband woke me up because he was having severe chest pains and his jaw was tightening up. He'd already browsed "symptoms of a heart attack" for about 15 minutes before deciding to wake me. Because it was just after midnight and I was trying to process what was happening, this is how I remember the conversation going:

Me: Wait. What? You think you're having a heart attack?
Him: Or it could be pneumonia. I looked up symptoms and they are similar with the chest and stuff.
Me: Okay, so what is happening here? Am I calling 9-1-1? Am I taking you to the ER?
Him: I don't know. I mean, I'm in pretty bad pain.
Me: Again, is it the kind of pain that needs an ambulance?
Him: Don't call an ambulance! They cost too much.
Me: I can call Jake (my BIL who is a firefighter/EMT) and see if he is on duty and willing to come get you.
Him (with a slightly irritated tone): No. I will drive myself to the ER.
Me: No you won't! I'm calling my parents to see if they can come over and stay with the boys (who remained asleep during all of this).

Let's take a moment to acknowledge I've never been more grateful that my parents still have a landline than I was at that moment. About 25 minutes later, my dad was at the house and we headed to the ER. I dropped Chris off at the ER door, and I parked the car. He moseyed in with his work bag over his shoulder in case he had to wait to be seen.

By the time I parked and walked back to the ER entrance, a total of maybe 5 minutes, my husband was already being prepped for surgery. His EKG indicated he was indeed having a heart attack. The doctors found a blockage that required a stent. As the nurse walked me to his room she said, "Just to let you know, he is okay but it's a little chaotic in there." I had seconds to come to terms with what I saw: seven people with tubes and syringes and papers and liquids and monitors all working on my husband at the same time. As overwhelming as the scene was for me, I could not begin to imagine how my husband felt. What I could do is remember how strong he was the day our oldest was born when I was the one surrounded by doctors and tubes and monitors. I would be as steady and strong as he'd been for me.

If you know my husband, you know he makes sense of the world by making fun of its absurdities. Every time someone new entered the room, Chris said "dollar sign." He cracked a joke with the guy who shaved the "area." He even comically commented on the morphine drip. All of this made me love him more and work harder to keep from bursting into tears all over the ER.

At 2:45 AM, they wheeled him into the operating room. Then the LONGEST. HOUR. OF. MY. LIFE. passed while I waited to hear how it was going. Simply to keep my mind busy, I messaged people knowing they would not see anything until the next morning. I tried reading one of the books I brought. I even thought about getting in a bit of a nap. No good. Finally, at 4 AM the doctor came to speak with me. I made the trek to the ICU to see Chris. He had so much color in his face I almost didn't believe he'd been in surgery. I arrived back home at 5:30 AM.

With 90% blockage in the front of his heart, my husband now has three stents. He is alive and working towards recovery.

The rest of Tuesday was hard. I did cry. A lot. I cried from what could have been. I cried out of relief. I cried from exhaustion.

Here are takeaways from this whole experience:

• It isn't if you have a majority of the symptoms of a heart attack listed that counts. It is if you have ANY of the symptoms.
• Don't argue about an ambulance. Just call 9-1-1.
• Everyone needs to have a stress test done. A heart attack should not be the first time doctors discover blockages.
• My husband is a pretty damn good fella. The outpouring of encouragement and concern by his friends and co-works reaffirmed what I already knew.
• I have one hell of a support system: family, friends, teammates. All of them were there. They helped me be okay with letting others take care of my "to-dos." They understood when I still needed to do a little work to occupy my mind. They showed up with hugs, encouragement, food, and even funds to help get us through the week.
• Don't dwell in what might have been because it didn't happen. 
• Prayer kept me sane especially during his surgery.

I am so incredibly grateful that my Christopher is currently on the couch downstairs binge watching Stranger Things. His recovery will have its challenges. There will be frustrations. We'll get through them together.

From Chris's 50th in November.

2020 On the Tenth Day of the New Year...

...the theme I gave my post: TEN o'clock in the AM

First Day of Christmas Post: ONE Ambitious Idea
Second Day of Christmas Post: Sea TURTLE Vacation
Third Day of Christmas Post: THREE in one God
Fourth Day of Christmas Post: FOUR Instagram Accounts
Fifth Day of Christmas Post: FIVE Days at Disney World
Sixth Day of Christmas Post: SIX Players on the Ice

Seventh Day of New Year Post: SEVEN More Things About Disney
Eighth Day of New Year Post: MAIDens of a Disney Nature
Ninth day of the New Year Post: NINE Movies in the Skywalker Saga

It is no secret I am not a morning person. If you are familiar with the Night Owl vs Morning Lark chronotyping and you know me, you know I am 100% a Night Owl. I am not sure if I've always been this way (I believe so) but thought otherwise because I was forced to operate in a Morning Lark world.

For those unaware of these terms, what you need to know is this: Morning Larks like to rise early and turn in for the evening early. For example, a friend of mine is up by 4:30 AM and in bed by 8:30 PM. I, on the other hand, hit a burst of inspiration and energy around 10 PM and would prefer to crash around 2 AM sleeping till 9:30 or 10 AM.

New studies are starting to make connections with brain function and sleep patterns which make us
Night Owls look like we're in for trouble. However, the real problem is our internal clocks are not allowed to tick correctly in a world designed for Morning Larks. Seriously, if my day could look like the schedule below, it would change a lot of the work I get done and my overall well-being:

8:30/9:00 AM-wake up
9:30/10:00 AM-enjoy a cup of tea and reflect with the daily scripture readings
10:30 AM-either clean around the house or go to the gym
12:00 PM-shower and lunch
1:00 PM-read
2:00-6:00 PM-work
6:00-8:30 PM-dinner and family time
8:30 AMish-12:00/2:00 AMish-work some more
2:00 AM at the latest-go to sleep

I mean, look how productive my day would be! Unfortunately, most work schedules run 8:00-5:00. Notice how I'm pretty useless in terms of work until after lunch? The weird thing is when I am forced to operate like a Morning Lark, I have a burst of brain power somewhere between 9:00 AM and 1:00 PM. Then I am absolutely unproductive. I cannot focus and am tired for the rest of the afternoon.

I can hear those Morning Larks thinking "why not just adjust those times to fit normal operating hours?" Here's the deal: I am hard wired to be a Night Owl. I tried to change. Many times I think I will do it. It lasts maybe three days, and I am miserable. I can get in bed at 8:30 and will lie awake until 10 PM or later. I will even force myself up at 5 AM in hopes of exhausting myself to get to sleep earlier. Unless I put in a lot of physical work during the day (like presentations), it doesn't matter.

I know my ideal schedule works because during breaks and long weekends, it is the schedule I follow. My absolute favorite time being the 9:30/10:00 AM cup o' tea and reflection on daily scripture. With our new kitchen remodel, there is a little nook by the breakfast table when I become invisible if I curl my legs up on the bench. I stare out of the window with the morning sun hitting our house at just the right angle to provide enough natural light allowing me to keep the lights in the kitchen off.

Days that start like this are always better. There is no rush to be somewhere without taking time to wake up and prepare mentally for any challenges the day brings.