As much as I love to cling to the Gen X side of my generational cusp-iness, truth be told I am a child of the 90s. That is when I was a teenager. That is when I have the clearest memories of growing up. That is when I fell in love with alternative rock.
The discontent communicated through lyrics accompanied by the energizing noise of guitars and melodic screaming gave a soundtrack to the things I felt and thought but never shared. It was amazing how such music seemed to capture all the things that made me mad that I couldn't put words especially when being angry was not an emotion I was allowed to have.* In 2000 a new band arrived with a sound that amped up everything to another level for me:
I couldn't get enough. I played that alarmingly red-ish CD all the time. Then Meteora came out and solidified their place as one of my favorite bands forever. (Seriously - beginning to end I never get tired of it. "Numb" is one of my favorite songs to this day.)
At this time, I also fell in love with a band out of Houston called Blue October which helped me connect to a lot of feelings I still struggled with. This led down a path to other alternative groups throughout the early aughts into my late 20s. Then something interesting happened: I got married and had kids. Now, that didn't mean the alt music faded away completely. The hidden track on Blue October's History for Sale was the song I danced to at my wedding with my husband. However, I wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be (hello - Enneagram One here), and that meant knowing myself better. Once I started to understand myself and why I had been so angry, I didn't need the catharsis of alt music like I had before.**
Years passed and I mostly listened to Kids Place Live (excellent station on Sirius XM - absolutely recommend if you subscribe and have small children) and talk radio (how is that for being a grown up). However, bands like Bastille entered my life while listening to Alt Nation when my kids weren't in the car or talk radio got monotonous. It seemed that I still felt that tug towards a genre that often is now more alt pop than rock but able to hit me in just the right way sending me back to the days where I blasted angsty and angry music while making the drive to and from SFASU.
Why the sudden trip down a musical memory lane? Recently, a radio station I enjoyed was canceled leaving me with the opportunity to see what else life had to offer on the ole dial. It turns out that locally 103.7 KVIL is the current alt rock station which cracks me up because I grew up on KVIL when Ron Chapman and Jody Dean were on air playing greats like Sir Elton John and Billy Joel. It was dubbed "lite rock." What a change indeed. Anyway, I put on 103.7 on my drive into work the other day and was met with artists like Linkin Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, The Offspring, and other bands that had defined my late 90s/early aughts life. I was in the best mood when I got to work.
Yes, I started listening to many of these bands because I didn't know how to be angry out loud. I realized after that drive into work that they are excellent reminders of how far I've come in understanding my anger and how to communicate that so I don't need the music to do it for me. I will continue to listen to this station because that music matters so much to me, and well, because it flippin' rocks.
*Mostly this with all of society.
** Also this which is from 2018 but still relevant which is even more infuriating.
NOTE: This post will discuss biological processes and hormonal changes of my 43-year-old female body. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip this one and come back for my next post about my love for alt rock.
I knew one thing for certain about menopause: I would eventually hit it when I was "old." Beyond that, my references for symptoms and signs of menopause came from two things: the "End of the Curse" episode of the Golden Girls where Blanche enters menopause and struggles with what that means for her womanhood and a tearful scene from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.
What I learned from the Golden Girls episode:
Menopause happens when you are older (60+)
Menopause means no more cycle!
Menopause means hot flashes and a beard
Not from that episode but it's a GIF of Sophia who shared the bit about a beard.
The scene from Fried Green Tomatoes:
Where I learned that hormones are the magical answer and they inspire a vengeful rampage on anyone who wrongs you.
Okay, so there were clear gaps in my knowledge on menopause. How was I supposed to know?! We (society) don't talk about this kind of stuff enough. Actually, my experience has been that discussing anything to do with my reproductive organs and cycles should be done in hushed voices or accompanied by some kind of embarrassment or shame. Think about having to purchase pads or tampons. How do we make people comfortable with that? Spoiler: we don't. And why not? I bet even using the words "pads" and "tampons" instead of "feminine hygiene products" makes some people uncomfortable. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a part of life.
Unfortunately, approaching life in this manner meant I was caught by surprise with perimenopause. I had never heard of perimenopause...until I started feeling like I was losing my mind. I knew something was "wrong" with me but what? I would wake up soaking wet having to change my pajamas. My cycles started becoming unpredictable, and I started breaking out with acne like I was 12! I would cry over trivial matters and be annoyed with silly things like other people breathing near me. I would be working comfortably when suddenly I was so hot I knew I was about to spontaneously combust. I would be exhausted beyond the usual mom stuff. However, I couldn't sleep through the night to save my life. I couldn't remember things correctly. I started gaining weight that "eating right and exercising regularly" wasn't taking care of. I didn't feel like myself.
I knew some of these things sounded like symptoms of menopause, but I am 43! I'm not an older (60+) woman. Thank God I have a great OBGYN who patiently listened to me as I panicked thinking something about me was broken. She explained what perimenopause meant, that I was a textbook case, and the ways we could handle the symptoms until menopause happens. Things I learned:
Perimenopause can start as early as age 35
Perimenopause is how my body is preparing itself for menopause
Symptoms include many of the things I was (am) experiencing: irregular periods, sleep issues, mood swings, unstoppable weight gain, cholesterol changes, and more
There are both hormone and non-hormone treatments for symptoms (and new research shows that hormone therapy isn't as dangerous as we once thought)
Perimenopause will last until menopause which is actually the stopping of my cycle (which can take up to 10 years or so - boo)
I cannot tell you the relief I felt of finding out I was not, in fact, crazy but simply entering a completely normal stage in my life. Now I know how to put what is happening to me in perspective. I have avenues of relief for the symptoms.
Why share all of this? I want us talking about this. I want our sisters and daughters and nieces and whomever to learn about this. I want them comfortable with what is happening to their bodies and not feel like they are wrong or broken because no one told them things like this would happen. I would love for health care companies to invest in making the transition through perimenopause to menopause such a priority that it is okay to speak about these things openly. For once it would be great to hear/see a commercial about low estrogen and what that could mean rather than concern over a shortage of testosterone and the magic blue pill to fix it all.
And if people won't listen to reason, there's always...
