STAAR Wars (I never get tired of calling it that)

STAAR English exams are underway this week, and anyone in public education around here will unabashedly tell you how s/he feels about this. Many of the gripes will include: nightmares about testing gone awry, stress induced headache/reflux, tears, anger, tears, tension knots in the shoulders, tears...The bottom line is that testing benefits no one except those pocketing the dough from it (I'm looking at you Pearson)*.

For me, as a high school English teacher, the truth behind the test stress lies in this:

Great teachers can only be born. That doesn't mean that they all teach in a classroom, but those that do understand that teaching isn't something that can be shut off at the end of the day. It is intertwined with the marrow of one's bones. At all times my brain is alert to anything that may spark a lesson or deepen a class discussion. Ideas originate from the news, movies, books, activities my 3-year-old son does at school. I can look at someone's lesson and begin to morph it into my own. Teaching is who I am, and I must admit I believe myself to be pretty good. All true teachers feel this way.

In the past, I simply scoffed at the standardized tests because my classroom was a place where learning transcended such piddly notions. I was confident that my students were ready for life and the test would just take care of itself. For many years this has worked. Perhaps it was a bit arrogant of me to see myself in such a great light since my scores always came back satisfactorily and I was left to run my classroom as I saw fit. I know I've gotten away with more than many of my peers simply because my students do perform so well. The fact is-I love my profession. And if I can be recognized repeatedly at something I truly love, then I will take pride in that.

The STAAR exams are essentially mini-AP exams for on-level students. I am a firm believer that students will rise to the expectations set for them. Therefore, it is not impossible to teach on-level students skill necessary to pass an AP-esque exam. However, the gap from TAKS to STAAR is so great that it isn't going to happen overnight and policymakers expect results now.

As a consequence, the outcome of these tests will define (for administration, parents, and politicians) my competency in the classroom. It IS stupid that so much rests on one day because I cannot control what a student will do when s/he enters a room on testing day. Did s/he have to work a double shift last night to help pay bills? Did mom/dad come home drunk? Does mom/dad even care about education? Is s/he in charge of all younger siblings and not given time to take care of him/herself? Did his/her electricity get shut off last night? Did s/he eat breakfast? Is s/he mad at a run-in with an administrator this morning? Will s/he just be a punk and purposefully screw up to spite the test?

In the end, and aside from the things I cannot control, my ultimate fear is: What if I am not the kind of teacher I always believed myself to be? What if my passion for teaching and the lessons I create aren't as awe inspiring as I've convinced myself they are? I will have failed my students. According to the State, I will have failed them based on skills others deem necessary. According to my own standards, I will have failed them by not being the teacher they truly need. All of the prescribed curriculum that I'm required to use I know in the teaching-marrow of my bones is insufficient and only teaches to a test. And yet, if the results aren't what is expected, that same sub par curriculum will prove itself superior to the lessons I painstakingly create to build skills students will actually need in society.

And that fear is why I finally broke down and cried this morning causing the eye make-up I attempted to apply to roll down my face.

I just have to make it to Friday.

 *Check out my friend The Crib Keeper's site about one kids answer to standardized testing.