Losing Doesn't Make My Kid a LOSER

Dear Children's Programing:

Please stop teaching my child it is okay to lose. It's not okay. When people compete there are winners and there are losers. They are not even close to the same thing, and it's definitely not okay to be one of the losers. Before you start thinking dastardly things about me as a mother...

I am a part of the "trophy kid generation" meaning I know what it feels like to see everyone get a trophy or medal or ribbon for simply participating (a.k.a showing up and converting oxygen to carbon dioxide). I bust my ass to overachieve. It drives me crazy that someone who does absolutely nothing other than exist may receive the exact same reward/acknowledgment that I worked so hard for. Fortunately, I am a self-motivated person; therefore, I know deep down that I'm better for working smarter and being more creative. The problem arises when kids who aren't self-motivated and need external inspiration to keep excelling see this. The message those children receive is, "It's okay to settle and be mediocre. You're not going to get recognized any more for your work than the kid who does nothing." So that's what those children who are truly talented or work hard begin to do: embrace mediocrity. The message the kids who did nothing receive is, "No effort required to be special." Then we end up with a bunch of lazy kids who feel entitled to things.

This is why competition is so important: win or lose. There are invaluable lessons to be learned from both.

1. Win: Not only does the kid feel fantastic for reaping the benefits of all his/her hard work, s/he might actually find a passion or talent that can be developed into something further like a career. This is also an excellent opportunity to teach a child how to win with class. I would love my child to win but not to be a jerk about it.

2. Lose: If the activity is something s/he loves to do but isn't that great at, then as a parent, it is my job to discuss where we want to go from here. The kid needs to figure out what went wrong and then decide if s/he wants to work hard to improve and perhaps win later, or if it is a matter of limitations. I think more parents need to discuss limitations with their children. Sometimes we are not designed to be a superstar athlete or famous rock/movie star. I also blame parents for forcing their children into activities that the children may not be suited for. My husband would love for our son to be a football star (or "booball" as my son started saying today); however, my husband and I are tiny people and not very athletic. If my son is not a great success on the football field, we should talk about his options maybe not including football. That doesn't make him a loser, but that does allow him to pursue other avenues where he may "win." Of course if he loves playing football, practices hard, understands that he might never be a starter for the Pittsburgh Steelers, AND is okay with that because he just loves the game and wants to keep playing; then so be it. However, he will be under no delusion that he should be handed a trophy just for trying.

None of this means I believe we shouldn't recognize children for individual talents. I don't mind giving a set of children "trophies" that are different and individualized. That's a great way for kids who aren't usually noticed or rewarded to end up in the spotlight. For example, I can give a quiet child an award for her talent in art while her loquacious counterpart receives one for his charisma. See, both children are highlighted without creating an underachiever or lazy winner.

Thank you Children's Television for trying to do what's best for my child, but I think you're actually doing more harm than good. Perhaps your programing should encourage children to find their strengths and how to talk to their parents about them. Maybe you could even teach parents how to allow their children to be their own people?

Sincerely,
Me