Cancer Sucks

I really don't know where to start this post. It's 2:22 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I want to cry, but I don't want to wake my husband up. Over 15 hours ago I was informed that a sweet and young friend of mine passed away from cancer. Really, I don't deserve her friendship because she left a couple of years ago for a different teaching position in another district, and I never bothered to say hello or check-in once I knew she was sick. What makes me feel even more wretched is the fact that I attended both high school and college with her, worked with her for years at North, was a guest at her wedding, and wrote one of her recommendations for the new position she applied for when leaving North. (I told you-I'm a crappy friend.)

Of course her death reminds me how short life really is (she wasn't even 30), and my own mortality plagues my mind constantly. I want to say that I'll be more appreciative of the friends I have and the life I live. Instead I feel selfish and undeserving. She leaves behind a husband, and all I can do is pray that God doesn't take mine. She wanted to have children, and having Will isn't enough for me. I greedily want more.

I teach my students a saying, "Fair is what is right for you, and it is never equal." But right now all I want to scream is, "It's not fair!" What is the world supposed to do with one less kind, compassionate, smart, and beautiful person? I don't believe she was capable of harming a hair on a head. With so much indifference and cruelty in life, won't this knock everything out of balance? Yes, I believe she made that much of a difference.

I screwed up and never told her that when she was alive. Even now this post is supposed to make me feel better. And this is why I have to believe there is more after death. I need to know that life is not simply the years we're allotted here. Brandi has to be happy in Heaven because that's what she deserves.

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