A Shadow What?!

This post floated around in my head for a while. I am not even quite sure where to start. Perhaps I could go all the way back to my childhood where my obsession with dragons and fantasy began. It might be a good idea to start with the fact I've always been drawn to characters with harsh outer layers that are actually quite loving and sweet on the inside: Beast, Grumpy, Mr. Darcy, Raphael (the ninja turtle of course), etc. Actually, I could take an academic approach and share that I've learned something new. I do enjoy learning something new. Or maybe I should start with the fact my sister gave me Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros as a gift. 

Hmmm...tell you what, let's just start with an image of Xaden Riorson as a Basgiath professor:

Check out @tacotales25 on Insta.
Got your attention? Yeah, this image got my attention too - whew, it's a little warm in here...

It happened. I fell down the Fourth Wing Rabbit Hole. Of course, I loved the first book and quickly purchased and devoured the other two. Now I am amongst the many adoring fans stressing about the fates of these characters awaiting the next book TO. BE. WRITTEN. Sigh.

I actually LOVE Violet as a FMC. In most of these types of stories, the FMC can spend pages and pages and pages on her worth and if she is really the right person for the job. However, there is a great moment in the first book where Violet tells her bestie that she is good enough, and if he cannot get with the program he can get out of her life! Yasss Queen! Additionally in the third book, she clearly states that she will not give her time or her energy to someone who doesn't love her the way she deserves to be loved. I am here for it.

But of course, this post is not about Violet. It is, in fact, about Xaden Riorson because I have fallen for what is apparently labeled a "Shadow Daddy." As a 44-year-old woman, this term definitely stopped me in my tracks. A what?! Apparently, this is an entire character trope that I had to speak with my pal, Gemini, about.

Here is what I learned: 

"The 'shadow daddy' is a popular character trope in fantasy romance, often found in the 'romantasy' genre. It describes a male love interest with a very specific set of characteristics that readers find alluring.

Concept of a Shadow Daddy

A shadow daddy is typically:

• Dark and Brooding: They have a mysterious, often intimidating aura. They are usually portrayed with dark hair, scars, and/or tattoos, and a generally serious demeanor.
• Possesses Shadow/Dark Powers: A key element of the trope is their ability to control or manipulate shadows, darkness, or other forms of dark magic. This can range from literal shadow-wielding to having a 'dark Gift' or association with night and darkness.
• Morally Gray: They operate in a gray area between hero and villain. They might have a dark past, have committed questionable acts, or hold positions of power that require ruthless decisions. However, they are often revealed to have a hidden, softer side, especially towards their love interest.
• Immense Power and Influence: Whether magical, political, or physical, they are incredibly powerful and competent. They are often leaders, warriors, or ancient beings.
• Protective and Loyal: Despite their dark exterior, they are fiercely protective and intensely loyal to the female protagonist. They would 'burn the world down' for the person they love.
• Significantly Older (Often Immortal): Many shadow daddies are centuries or even millennia old, giving them a sense of ancient wisdom and power.
• 'Daddy' Aspects: The 'daddy' part of the term often refers to their dominant, protective, and sometimes nurturing (in a dark way) nature. They take charge and often relieve the female protagonist of mental or emotional burdens.

Origin

While the term 'shadow daddy' is relatively new, popularized by BookTok and the rise of romantasy, the archetype itself has been present in fantasy and romance for a long time. It can be seen as an evolution of existing tropes like the 'bad boy,' 'dark prince,' 'brooding assassin,' or even certain interpretations of vampires and dark lords."

After reading this, the English teacher in me felt this sounded very much like a Byronic Hero another type of character I seemed drawn to. I asked Gemini what it thought about my connection. Turns out, I was right:

"The Shadow Daddy is arguably a direct descendant of the Byronic Hero. Both share the brooding nature, mysterious past, charisma, intelligence, and morally gray qualities. The key difference is the 'supernatural flair' and explicit shadow/dark magic of the Shadow Daddy, and the intensified protective and possessive romantic focus. The Byronic Hero's darkness is more psychological and tied to their past transgressions, while the Shadow Daddy's darkness is often a literal power or magical affiliation."

Look at me making this academic after all. If you are interested in my entire chat, feel free to check it out here for the definition with examples and here for the comparison to other types of literary heroes.

Okay, so what? What is the appeal of this type of character? Don't worry. Gemini shared that with me too:

"Readers are drawn to shadow daddies for several reasons:

• Complexity and Morally Gray Appeal: These characters challenge traditional notions of good and evil, making them fascinating to explore. Their internal struggles and dual nature (dark exterior, soft interior) create a compelling dynamic.
• Intense Devotion and Protection: The idea of a powerful, dangerous character who would do anything for the protagonist is incredibly appealing. This fierce loyalty and protectiveness evoke a sense of security and validation.
• Power and Authority: Shadow daddies are often in positions of immense power, which adds to their allure. They are competent, strategic, and capable of handling any threat, creating a strong sense of escapism for readers.
• Forbidden Allure: Their dark, mysterious nature and often villainous reputation make them intriguing and sometimes forbidden love interests, adding a thrilling edge to the romance.
• 'Fixer-Upper' or Redemption Arc: Readers often enjoy the idea of being the one person who can bring out the hidden tenderness or good in a seemingly dark character, leading to satisfying redemption arcs.
• Escapism: These characters offer a fantasy of an impossibly strong, devoted, and powerful partner who can solve problems and protect the heroine, which is often far removed from real-life experiences."

Yep. I basically checked every box on this list especially the Morally Gray Appeal and Redemption Arc. The Escapism is legit as well.  So here I am now looking for other stories and series with Shadow Daddies. I found some favorites in Cyrus, the King of Tulan from the Woven Kingdom series, Trystan the "Villain" from the Assistant to the Villain series, and the Darkling from Shadow and Bone, but only this version of him:

However, I will say that a Shadow Daddy only makes sense fictionally. I cannot begin to try and understand what it would be like caring for a man like this. I mean, geez the amount of energy to get through the brooding alone...

Re-Discovering the Joy of Reading

I love books! Always have. To this day, I think this is the most romantic thing anyone has done for a woman they loved:

My old lady plan is to find a cottage in Ireland within walking distance of a sweet, little town and fill the cottage with books. There I will spend my last days with my tea, a comfy chair, and all the books. Just reading.

However, somewhere in my late 30s until a couple of years ago (my very early 40s), reading stopped being a common past time. I'm still not entirely sure what happened. I have some hypotheses, but nothing worth noting. I do know that when I started my doctoral work, reading became a chore because of all the research and textbooks I constantly consumed. I rarely had the energy or desire to read anything for fun.

Then in 2020, I started a bookstagram mostly to hold myself accountable for reading. I wasn't trying to influence anything or win any reading competitions. I wanted to show myself the reading I'd done over the year on an app I frequented. It helped. I liked posting images of books I read framed in fun backgrounds. Scrolling through them made me happy, so I continued. 

Now some of you may be thinking, "I have Goodreads for that." Yeah, so did I. When I logged in last month (after resetting my forgotten password), I saw that the last time I'd been in Goodreads was 2014...a decade ago. For whatever reason, that platform was not what my brain needed. However, I am ready to start really recording my reading habits again. I thought about returning to Goodreads, and then a friend shared The StoryGraph app with me. I liked the idea of going with a more independent platform as opposed to one owned by Amazon (I already send way too much money that way).

I exported my Goodreads history (didn't want to lose what I did complete in there), and imported it to my StoryGraph account. Then I went through my bookstagram and added each of those. One small problem, I have no record of what I read between 2014 and 2020. I assure you I did read. I guess I'll just never be certain of what.

For now, I plan to continue with my Bibliolydia Bookstagram and begin to really develop my StoryGraph account. Apparently, there is a way to connect with others on StoryGraph. I would love to connect with others! If you have a bookstagram or StoryGraph account, let's connect:

StoryGraph - Wordnerd80

Bibliolydia Bookstagram

I wish I could do this with all my books to take wherever I go.

Here's to 2025!

Each January I look for ways to set intentions for the year. I wouldn't say I have resolutions, but I do like the idea of using the year for good.

Last year, I utilized Gretchen Rubin's 24 in 24 method and came up with this:

Looking back, it was too much and too big. I've come to the conclusion that my brain doesn't match whatever lifestyle people who create such challenges have. Not good or bad just different. It becomes more of burden to me if I don't complete something or if I start strongly and don't finish. (If this kind of stuff does interest you, please check out Gretchen Rubin's Design Your Year 2025.)

After reflecting on all of this, I decided to keep the idea of a word for the year. I've done it the past few years, and it is handy for me to have something to come back to when things start going whompy. I think this will help me stay present in the moment rather than exhaust myself trying to complete all the things by December 31, 2025.

Choosing a word is always a challenge for me. I mean, this is one word that is meant to represent how I want to see the year. I love words, and people who know me can confidently say I lean more Dickens than Hemingway. I tried something new this year - AI assistance. If you also struggle finding your word, I offer my own method for this year. 

Using AI to Spark an Idea

Whenever I turn to LLMs, I use both Gemini and ChatGPT because they will produce different results. Sometimes I combine the results to review and modify, and sometimes one LLM generates better ideas than the other. ChatGPT won out for this one. 

The prompt I used: Generate a list of words of the year possibilities for 2025 based on the work of Kendra Adachi, Brene Brown, Adam Grant, Simon Sinek, and Gretchen Rubin.

Initial Results:

Inspired by Kendra Adachi (The Lazy Genius):

• Simplify
• Essence
• Flow
• Intentional
• Rhythm

Inspired by Brené Brown (Vulnerability and Courage):

• Brave
• Authentic
• Connection
• Wholehearted
• Resilient

Inspired by Adam Grant (Workplace Psychology and Creativity):

• Reimagine
• Curious
• Generous
• Adapt
• Spark

Inspired by Simon Sinek (Leadership and Purpose):

• Purpose
• Inspire
• Vision
• Belonging
• Why

Inspired by Gretchen Rubin (Happiness and Habits):

• Joy
• Light
• Steady
• Balance
• Thrive

Not bad, but I felt these were still more generic than what I was looking for. I added to the prompt: Regenerate these focusing on a perimenopausal woman who works in public education.

Second set of results:

Inspired by Kendra Adachi (Practicality and Intentionality):

• Pace – Honoring your natural rhythm in both work and life.
• Ease – Embracing simplicity and letting go of unnecessary burdens.
• Align – Focusing on what truly matters in your personal and professional life.
• Restore – Recharging your energy and prioritizing recovery.
• Flexible – Adapting to changes with grace and self-compassion.

Inspired by Brené Brown (Courage and Vulnerability):

• Steady – Finding strength and calm amidst the storms of life.
• Seen – Acknowledging your worth and making your needs visible.
• Courage – Stepping into hard conversations and decisions with confidence.
• Tender – Balancing vulnerability with self-protection.
• Open – Remaining receptive to new ideas, people, and solutions.

Inspired by Adam Grant (Innovation and Growth):

• Curiosity – Staying inquisitive and open to learning new ways of doing things.
• Reframe – Changing perspectives on challenges and opportunities.
• Pause – Taking time to reflect before acting.
• Contribute – Focusing on meaningful impact in your work.
• Spark – Igniting passion and creativity in yourself and others.

Inspired by Simon Sinek (Purpose and Leadership):

• Lead – Guiding with empathy and integrity.
• Purpose – Connecting daily actions to your larger mission.
• Support – Offering and seeking help within your community.
• Value – Recognizing your worth and contributions.
• Forward – Moving ahead with optimism and determination.

Inspired by Gretchen Rubin (Happiness and Habits):

• Nurture – Caring for yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
• Balance – Harmonizing work, health, and relationships.
• Brighten – Bringing light to your spaces and interactions.
• Habit – Building routines that sustain and uplift.
• Present – Staying mindful and grounded in the moment.

I loved that each word was accompanied by an explanation. However, I still struggled to narrow it down because I liked a lot of these words. So back to the prompt one more time: Please find five words that would have something in common with all of these suggestions.

Final set of responses:

• Grounded – Reflects stability, balance, and being present in the moment.
• Empower – Combines courage, leadership, and self-worth, encouraging personal and professional growth.
• Flow – Represents ease, adaptability, and living in harmony with life’s rhythms.
• Renew – Captures restoration, nurturing, and the continual process of growth and healing.
• Impact – Embodies purpose, contribution, and creating meaningful change.

BINGO! Now we're talking! After looking at the final set of five, I was able to choose and create an image to reference throughout the year.

My word of the year:

So here's to 2025! May I remain GROUNDED despite challenges never forgetting to be in the moment rather than needlessly worry about the future.

My Anger Has a Sound

As much as I love to cling to the Gen X side of my generational cusp-iness, truth be told I am a child of the 90s. That is when I was a teenager. That is when I have the clearest memories of growing up. That is when I fell in love with alternative rock.

The discontent communicated through lyrics accompanied by the energizing noise of guitars and melodic screaming gave a soundtrack to the things I felt and thought but never shared. It was amazing how such music seemed to capture all the things that made me mad that I couldn't put words especially when being angry was not an emotion I was allowed to have.* In 2000 a new band arrived with a sound that amped up everything to another level for me:

I couldn't get enough. I played that alarmingly red-ish CD all the time. Then Meteora came out and solidified their place as one of my favorite bands forever. (Seriously - beginning to end I never get tired of it. "Numb" is one of my favorite songs to this day.) 

At this time, I also fell in love with a band out of Houston called Blue October which helped me connect to a lot of feelings I still struggled with. This led down a path to other alternative groups throughout the early aughts into my late 20s. Then something interesting happened: I got married and had kids. Now, that didn't mean the alt music faded away completely. The hidden track on Blue October's History for Sale was the song I danced to at my wedding with my husband. However, I wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be (hello - Enneagram One here), and that meant knowing myself better. Once I started to understand myself and why I had been so angry, I didn't need the catharsis of alt music like I had before.**

Years passed and I mostly listened to Kids Place Live (excellent station on Sirius XM - absolutely recommend if you subscribe and have small children) and talk radio (how is that for being a grown up). However, bands like Bastille entered my life while listening to Alt Nation when my kids weren't in the car or talk radio got monotonous. It seemed that I still felt that tug towards a genre that often is now more alt pop than rock but able to hit me in just the right way sending me back to the days where I blasted angsty and angry music while making the drive to and from SFASU. 

Why the sudden trip down a musical memory lane? Recently, a radio station I enjoyed was canceled leaving me with the opportunity to see what else life had to offer on the ole dial. It turns out that locally 103.7 KVIL is the current alt rock station which cracks me up because I grew up on KVIL when Ron Chapman and Jody Dean were on air playing greats like Sir Elton John and Billy Joel. It was dubbed "lite rock." What a change indeed. Anyway, I put on 103.7 on my drive into work the other day and was met with artists like Linkin Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, The Offspring, and other bands that had defined my late 90s/early aughts life. I was in the best mood when I got to work. 

Yes, I started listening to many of these bands because I didn't know how to be angry out loud. I realized after that drive into work that they are excellent reminders of how far I've come in understanding my anger and how to communicate that so I don't need the music to do it for me. I will continue to listen to this station because that music matters so much to me, and well, because it flippin' rocks.

*Mostly this with all of society.

** Also this which is from 2018 but still relevant which is even more infuriating.

Too Old to Be Young, Too Young to Be Old

NOTE: This post will discuss biological processes and hormonal changes of my 43-year-old female body. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip this one and come back for my next post about my love for alt rock.

I knew one thing for certain about menopause: I would eventually hit it when I was "old." Beyond that, my references for symptoms and signs of menopause came from two things: the "End of the Curse" episode of the Golden Girls where Blanche enters menopause and struggles with what that means for her womanhood and a tearful scene from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.

What I learned from the Golden Girls episode:

• Menopause happens when you are older (60+)
• Menopause means no more cycle!
• Menopause means hot flashes and a beard

Not from that episode but it's a GIF of Sophia who shared the bit about a beard.

The scene from Fried Green Tomatoes:

Where I learned that hormones are the magical answer and they inspire a vengeful rampage on anyone who wrongs you.

Okay, so there were clear gaps in my knowledge on menopause. How was I supposed to know?! We (society) don't talk about this kind of stuff enough. Actually, my experience has been that discussing anything to do with my reproductive organs and cycles should be done in hushed voices or accompanied by some kind of embarrassment or shame. Think about having to purchase pads or tampons. How do we make people comfortable with that? Spoiler: we don't. And why not? I bet even using the words "pads" and "tampons" instead of "feminine hygiene products" makes some people uncomfortable. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a part of life.

Unfortunately, approaching life in this manner meant I was caught by surprise with perimenopause. I had never heard of perimenopause...until I started feeling like I was losing my mind. I knew something was "wrong" with me but what? I would wake up soaking wet having to change my pajamas. My cycles started becoming unpredictable, and I started breaking out with acne like I was 12! I would cry over trivial matters and be annoyed with silly things like other people breathing near me. I would be working comfortably when suddenly I was so hot I knew I was about to spontaneously combust. I would be exhausted beyond the usual mom stuff. However, I couldn't sleep through the night to save my life. I couldn't remember things correctly. I started gaining weight that "eating right and exercising regularly" wasn't taking care of. I didn't feel like myself. 

I knew some of these things sounded like symptoms of menopause, but I am 43! I'm not an older (60+) woman. Thank God I have a great OBGYN who patiently listened to me as I panicked thinking something about me was broken. She explained what perimenopause meant, that I was a textbook case, and the ways we could handle the symptoms until menopause happens. Things I learned:

• Perimenopause can start as early as age 35
• Perimenopause is how my body is preparing itself for menopause
• Symptoms include many of the things I was (am) experiencing: irregular periods, sleep issues, mood swings, unstoppable weight gain, cholesterol changes, and more
• There are both hormone and non-hormone treatments for symptoms (and new research shows that hormone therapy isn't as dangerous as we once thought)
• Perimenopause will last until menopause which is actually the stopping of my cycle (which can take up to 10 years or so - boo)

I cannot tell you the relief I felt of finding out I was not, in fact, crazy but simply entering a completely normal stage in my life. Now I know how to put what is happening to me in perspective. I have avenues of relief for the symptoms.

Why share all of this? I want us talking about this. I want our sisters and daughters and nieces and whomever to learn about this. I want them comfortable with what is happening to their bodies and not feel like they are wrong or broken because no one told them things like this would happen. I would love for health care companies to invest in making the transition through perimenopause to menopause such a priority that it is okay to speak about these things openly. For once it would be great to hear/see a commercial about low estrogen and what that could mean rather than concern over a shortage of testosterone and the magic blue pill to fix it all. 

 And if people won't listen to reason, there's always...

And the Award Goes To...

Let me start with the fact all my organs are intact and still inside my body. However, you are welcome to make guesses at what was wrong with me as you read.

I need to back up to yesterday morning because it was Oscars Sunday, and for the first time in roughly 20 years I actually planned to watch the whole thing. I've watched bits and pieces over the years, but I pictured myself camped out on the couch under blankets snacking on popcorn and enjoying the show. I was excited for all the nominations and couldn't wait to see Ryan Gosling perform "I'm Just Ken."

Around 1:30 PM I hit the floor of my closet with an unrelenting pain right at the top of my rib cage running down to my stomach. Now, I suffer from stressed induced reflux, so I am very familiar with a flare up or when I have uncomfortably trapped gas. I even have experienced my fair share of stomach bugs with the cramping and aching. All of these I have methods for dealing with.  

I managed to get the pain to subside long enough to walk around a bit and even ran by Sam's for some items we needed. However, the moment I got home I had another attack and writhed around in my bed begging for it to go away. I still thought it was one of the usual suspects being particularly cruel since I had been able to run an errand. I even tried to vomit out a possible stomach virus to no avail. Nothing was working. Then it calmed a bit again.

At this point I was very hungry and very exhausted. It was hurting to breathe, and I couldn't really drink much water. With the Oscars minutes from air, I determinedly curled up on the couch and prayed the pain wouldn't come back. I made it to RDJs award acceptance when I hit the ground again in excruciating pain. Enough was enough. Chris took me to the ER.

Hunched over, I shuffled my way through Check In. The moment I sat down in triage, I started to cry and rock back and forth from the pain. The ER doctor came in and was fantastic. He ordered blood tests and wanted to get a look at my appendix, pancreas, and colon. An IV drip with some morphine and zofran did the trick, and while waiting for results I remembered the episode of the Golden Girls where Sophia has an attack of the gall bladder. She remarks that she has a "bubble" in exactly the same place I first felt my pain. Then she is in so much pain she believes she is dying. I was convinced my gall bladder would be a goner! (Hey, I was medicated okay?)

The verdict: Fatty Liver. It's a thing. What caused it is the big question. I am not a heavy drinker. While I may be overweight, I wouldn't say I'm obese. I am definitely not pregnant. In terms of lifestyle, we eat ground turkey instead of ground beef (rarely eat beef actually). We use chick pea pasta. We get whole wheat breads. I drink nonfat, lactose free milk. I use the Skinny Chai mix. I love me some Body Pump and started bicycling with my youngest boy. Basically, I had no idea what would cause a Fatty Liver issue. My best guess is that it is related to my hypertension, hormones, and reflux.    

All my other organs were fine, blood tests were good, and the EKG showed no heart attack. The "cure:" bland food for a few days and some medication for the stomach cramping. I was discharged, walked without pain to the car, and was home in bed by 11:00 PM. 

Not how I planned to start my Spring Break but incredibly grateful for an efficient ER experience, modern medicine, loving husband, and YouTube so I could go back and watch this:

It's Just Like Riding a Bike

I rode a bike today. First time in about 30ish years. For a brief moment while rolling the bike out of the back room and down to the alley, this scene flashed through my mind:

As much as I would love to have Jamie Tartt by my side as I got comfortable on a bike again, I sought support from a different place.

My sweet, funny, wonderful 11 year old rocked it as my moral support. He shared tips to keep my balance and reminded me when to lean in to turn. Additionally, he explained the best times to adjust my speed or use my handbrakes. That's right. The last time I rode a bike I applied the brakes by pedaling backwards. No handbrakes.

It wasn't terrible. I enjoyed the feel of the wind on my face. I sped up and coasted. I stood up on my feet to pedal a couple of times (felt pretty cool). I made a ridiculously wide turn the first time. I even earned my first ever exercise award for an outdoor cycle!

The biggest success was working through the initial anxiety of getting back on a bike after so long. Rather than worry that I would look foolish in front of my youngest son, I decided to ask for his help. It worked out so well. He rode along side me and was the best bike buddy. 

I only biked for 20 minutes at the end of my street. It was more than enough. My legs could feel it. I was sweating which isn't my favorite thing to do. (80 degree weather - what are you gonna do?) My 11 year old was ready for me to go up and down the absurd incline that is our street. While it felt great to be back on a bike, I think I will have to work up to that. Eventually, we'll hit some of the trails around our neighborhood; and perhaps someday I'll tackle White Rock Lake.

In the meantime, I am happy knowing I didn't forget how to ride a bike. Now to get some sparkly tassels...