When I'm Slightly Sleep Deprived

Here's what I wrote a couple of weeks ago for an assignment in creative writing. I hated it at the time, but when I'm incredibly tired it seems incredibly funny:

If You Say So Darth Vader
or How I Might Be Seduced by the Dark Side

        
Often I ponder the mysteries of The Force and why the Jedi didn’t take full advantage of its power. Like, why didn’t they just stay home and drop huge objects on their enemies from afar. I mean, The Force is all around right? And Luke Skywalker always seemed like kind of a pansy to me. (Obi Wan should have trained Leia. She would have proved a much worthier student.) Even Yoda in his diminutive stance managed to battle Dooku and raise Luke’s spaceship from the muck of Degobah.

            Then I imagine what it would take for Darth Vader to convince me to embrace his devious ways. The conversation goes something like this:

            “Join me.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “Why? What’s in it for me?” I take a parade rest stance while maintaining “eye” contact.

            “The Dark Side of The Force allows you to use it to terrify those who don’t see the world as you wish them to see it.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “Dude, I’m a teacher. I can terrify students without The Force.”

            “Yes, but can you spin them upside down and pin them to the wall until they succumb to your every command?” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “Well no. That does sound like a useful tool.” At this point I would contemplate how I could enforce silence by clamping mouths shut without having to touch the students. Here is where Lord Vader would begin to see the foothold he has on me.

            “Yes. I can sense you are giving in to the ease with which you can manage your classroom. Think of what we could do together!” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “What do you mean ‘together?’”

            “I will help with the parents should they be upset by your usual methods.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “And I would…?”

            “You would be at the Emperor’s beck and call to proofread and edit all Galactic Imperial mandates. The last person who held that position performed unsatisfactorily.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing followed by a raised arm with the hand in the shape of a sideways “C” and the other hand gliding across his neck.

            “And I could turn any child upside down or shut him up?”

            “But of course.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “When I die would I be able to come back glowing blue?”

            “Uh…no.” Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing.

            “No dice.”